How I became Late Night Girl


On 12. January 2015 I woke up and checked my email while still in bed blurry-eyed. Bed, the most vulnerable and safe place to be in. I had late shift that week and thought I quickly check my mail before turning around to sleep some more and later go to work.

I found myself making the fastest jump out of bed I’ve ever made, but that jump felt like slow motion, as if I got stuck in mid air and my room was moving by me in an eerie pace. The light painted wall became fogged up like someone just poured a dust-like grey powder over it. When I landed on my feet, I felt like a deformed cartoon character out of a Tom & Jerry fighting scene, who got whacked over the head and entered into another world. But it was more like a shotgun hole in my gut, something ripped life out of my system and left a huge crater behind.

My bedroom wasn’t my bedroom anymore, my apartment wasn’t my apartment anymore, my mind wasn’t my mind anymore. It was just like it feels when you return from a two or three week trip to a different country and culture, returning home and your place has a different feel to it, a stale atmosphere because you’ve gotten used to a different place, food, impressions, language.

Of course your apartment or house is still the same, it’s just you who has to readjust to the familiar and safe place you know so well and fill it with life again. But for me it was like I’ve come “home” to hell. It was the beginning of a very long and dark time in that world, which I am still standing in with one foot, while the other foot is trying to venture out to find green pastures.

In a 6 or 7 sentence email the sender went down a quick and short route to inform me that my brother has been found dead in his flat on the 15. December 2014. Next of kin could not be found in time (in a country as efficient as Germany!). Cause of death not clear, no autopsy, he lay dead for an estimated 6 days plus/minus before he was found, and then they just cremated him before finding us!

[After I flew over the next day to personally – not over the phone! – bring my mum the death of her son she gave life to, we arranged for his urn to be brought over from the city where he lived in. To our utter disbelief they sent his urn via post to the city’s council where my mum lives, so we can bury whatever was left of my brother close to my mum. Another German procedure I didn’t know was even done like this, sending an urn via post?!]

Furthermore I was advised to reject the inheritance as his estate was highly in debt, which also meant I learned later that I could not retrieve any of his belongings and was informed later that any belongings with no financial value has been destroyed…

The email ended with some other instructions. Kind regards.

My phone became like a curse in my hand that I could not understand that this was a phone I was holding, just starring at it, reading an electronic mail giving me a message of death.

I died that day.




07 TP crop


Continued > When Machines Bring You Death


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30 thoughts on “How I became Late Night Girl

  1. OMGosh? 6days?? – Wow! I know that was not something you and your family were ready to experience, less known deal with and the fact that they cremated him before you all could get one last look at him is very heart breaking. You really never get over a lose, no matter how long it’s been. Praying for you and your family…

    Liked by 2 people

  2. What a terrible and tragic story, your loss compounded by the other circumstances you had to deal with. Deepest sympathy – a friend died in similar circumstances and it’s such a shock, and never to know properly the circumstances is so sad.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hey Lois, you just made my day. I found youf website just today, I don’t know how, but I was thinking how your site was put together so well. I love the large print on a “minimalist-ish” background. And your writings are beautiful.
    If you want to really empathize for “the other circumstances” please do so via the contact form on
    Other than that your words mean nothing to me.
    But thank you for having taking your time.


  4. Great writing! I’ll leave it at that as I don’t know what you are going through with your last comment, but aside from the tragic circumstance you clearly have a talent in expression. Hope you’re ok.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for your kind words. I couldn’t express anything the first 2-3 years except just angry words. The feeling was there but not the words what went through me. I am okay-ish. It’s like what Billy Bob Thornton said about the death of his brother:

      I was never a fan of Thornton until I watched the Amazon series “Goliath” (first season, am not keen on the 2nd season). He got my attention then and can relate a little bit now why he came across so “cocky” sometimes and is more withdrawn in real life. You’re just never the same when you experience a significant loss.


  5. LNG I’m still here, still reading. My heart and thoughts are with you quite often since I began reading your blog. You are stronger than your sadness (“my heart and other black holes”) but I know some days it doesn’t feel that way. Sending *hugs* across the miles. ♥. NIki

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Niki. Same to you.

      I was offered long-term therapy which started with educational sessions in a group and would start next year for a long-term therapy as I can’t cope well.

      We had our 6th session last week of the 12 educational sessions into a certain type of therapy, and last week they drop a bombshell info that for the main therapy starting next fall, they would video record the sessions to analyze later.

      I was completely shocked and felt tricked that they waited for 6 sessions, letting us get warm with the threapy style and the group and therapists, because it may be harder for us to drop out once we get “groomed” into the idea of long-term therapy we waited so long for.

      I left the whole thing and am giving up on this whole idea of therapy. I wrote my thoughts to the group and therapists, dropped it by and will never go back. To not tell clients from the beginning that they would be filmed during sessions is not only manipulative, but plain wrong!

      Back to square one and just the thought of packing my stuff and move into the mountains somewhere and leave everything and everyone behind. Fed up with the bullshit.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The mountains sound like a fine idea to me too right now. I’m glad you left. I agree. It should have been disclosed from day 1. It’s hard to find therapy good for you. It took me years and years to try again after being burned. It’s difficult to trust. Then recently I found an online therapist who travels but sees patients remotely. Might be something you’d like too. Then again, maybe that solitude in the mountains is the best thing, if you can manage it for a bit. A writer’s vacation for the soul. ♥.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. No, because it’s a secret thing they do and deny they’re doing it:

        They even right out lie about it:

        In this Tweet there are 1.5K tweet responses but only few visible.

        It’s like you being on the phone with me, you talk and talk and talk but I have already hung up on you. You don’t realize there’s no one on the other end until you start asking if someone’s there, just to not get answer.

        Same with the shadow ban thing, you tweet and tweet and like, and follow etc. but NO ONE sees it except you while logged in.

        It’s a very cheeky censoring thing Twitter denies doing!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. So Twitter uses this Project Veritas which I thought was doing good work — to ban you? Sounds like they have gotten crap info or they do not have the integrity they are relied upon to have. Is there any way you could contact them? Veritas exposes corruption which is exactly what you are doing. It makes not sense that they would ban you.
        Even so this entire thing is dodgy and cowardly. It’s like Twitter is saying, “I’m going to secretly ban you so that you don’t confront me and cause a confrontation. We can’t have our image tarnished with all that!” Obviously, it’s their platform. They make the rules, but I have really lost respect for Twitter after reading about this. I”m so sorry this has happened to you. ♥.


      4. Forget what I said about Project Veritas. I have no idea who they are but just read this;

        Project Veritas
        Visit our related site here.

        We are unmasking the Deep State. Here’s why.
        by James O’Keefe September 14, 2018 in Video / Top Stories / Deep State Unmasked / Updates
        UNMASKING THE DEEP STATE. Transparency is required of those that govern. Privacy belongs to the people that put them there.

        What is the Deep State?

        Why is Project Veritas about to unmask it?

        To some, the Deep State is an anonymous, faceless resistance; or as Glenn Greenwald first penned, the entity which “… goes to war with the president-elect, using unverified claims.”

        To others, it is a vast administrative bureaucracy, unaccountable to anyone; in fact, an “extralegal state within a state.”

        Some call it part of a conspiracy theory. And, at least one conspirator recently received priceless support for their agenda through the op-ed pages of The New York Times.

        But who wrote that piece? What was his name? Are there others? How many of them were there? We’ll get to that.

        But first, some political science, or as my mentor Saul Alinsky would say, “We should start with what the world is, not as we would like it to be.”

        This unelected cabal of federal government employees—the Deep Staters—are getting away with subverting the will of the people. In fact, the Constitution is being stomped upon by the actions of the members of the Deep State. They are in all branches of government and they are hiding among two million other federal employees.

        At the most fundamental level, Americans make their voices heard through elections. This is the process to bestow consent for our representatives to govern on our behalf.

        The actions of the Deep State fly in the face of the consent part of the governance equation. They seek to subvert the “democratic” process, and through those actions are creating inequality in the application of the Rule of Law. When this is permitted to happen, the will of the people can be thwarted in favor of any agenda that can gain support among the other comrades in the Deep State. That should worry progressives, civil libertarians, and journalists a lot more than it should worry fascists.

        Members of the Deep State view themselves as having nothing to lose.

        In many ways, they are correct. Government employees use their federal union representation to further an insurgence against the wishes of the people.

        Congress used to be a lawmaking body, but it has significantly abdicated its authority to executive branch agencies. Many agencies now exist with little oversight. Much of Washington operates without accountability or transparency, because — and this foreshadows what’s about to come from Project Veritas — some of them are quite brazen in expressing, “It’s impossible to fire a federal employee.”

        As a nation of laws, we expect the people we elect to make and uphold the laws, not disregard them. The agencies of Washington D.C. also must be held accountable.

        Then there is the Fourth Estate, which has been fanning the flames of the Deep State prior to, and aggressively so since, November 7, 2016. The media has created a cycle of politically motivated leaking followed by retrenchment when those “leaks” were proven to have been deeply misleading. We also have seen a confluence of error-ridden ‘scoops’ of shadowy intelligence agencies colluding with political operatives to dispel or prove political narratives.

        We don’t get to see the faces of these shadowy figures, are unable to assess their motives; and the media seems to ignore their real and often obvious objectives.

        Therefore, it becomes necessary to unmask and show the faces of these individuals who seek to disturb the fabric of our Republic. In order to do that, it becomes necessary to expose them with their own words.

        Our next hidden camera investigation is going to unmask the Deep State.

        No doubt the media will object to this, first in terms of methods. They’ll claim that it’s unethical to record people without their consent and produce that into a video story.

        It isn’t. Certainly not when another person is present and doing the recording. Surreptitious recordings are not an invasion of their privacy. We, through establishing a rapport with these Deep State people outside their offices, have no duty to keep the information the subject tells us confidential. We did not entrap them. For all of us, their images and voices capture their character much more accurately than any portrait of them painted through a complex arrangement of words on newsprint.”

        This does not sound impartial and I don’t understand how Twitter can use this “Project Veritas” to investigate the validity of Twitter accounts and claims by authors.


      1. Merry Christmas *hugs* I do care. You’ve already had so much going on, and this is just so unfair. You’re trying to help others, even after all the hurt you’ve been through. To ban you like this is beyond reprehensible. I’m done with Twitter. I’m leaving my account up because my son’s Missing poster is being shared, but I won’t post there anymore. I hope you get justice. ♥.


  6. From the Project Veritas “About” page:

    “Our goal is to inform the public of wrongdoing and allow the public to make judgments on the issues.”

    This is the opposite of what Twitter is doing — Twiter, who uses Project Veritas to investigate. The public isn’t being informed in any way. Not even the account user is being informed. Let the public decide? Really? How the hell can the public decide about something that is invisible?

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I completely misunderstood. Sorry about that. Then they are in fact really as good as I’ve heard. I misread this: “Following the reveal that Twitter shadow bans certain users by the Project Veritas investigative journalism team,” and thought it meant Twitter hired PV to investigate people. Totally the opposite. They exposed the shadow banning. Took me a bit but I caught up. *Please* feel free to delete the babbling results of my incomprehension. ♥.

    Liked by 1 person

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