I Hear Voices

when I walk from the living room to the kitchen and back again. And then I realize it’s my own voice. I speak to flowers, tell them off and then apologize.

When I got into my living room today I saw the tulips hung their heads. It was still ok yesterday. How can flowers hang their heads from one day to the next??

I took the vase and started to tell off the flowers, “Why are you dying on me?! I just got you 3 days ago! Why are just giving up like that???”

I went into the kitchen wanting to take the flowers out of the vase to hang them to dry when I saw that the vase was bone dry! I have another bunch of various flowers in my living room where the water just went down half way. I didn’t realize that tulips are so thirsty!

I then started to apologize to the flowers for not checking on it when I saw the first 2 flowers hang their heads. I poured fresh water in and will see if they rise up again, but I doubt they will, those are heavy flowers.

I never thought I’d speak to flowers, rebuking them for dying and then apologizing for being the reason why they started dying.

I have 2 single tulips in a glass in the kitchen after they broke off when I put the flowers in the vase, with plenty of water. They stand “strong”. But the thought that I can’t even “care” for flowers, it’s pathetic!

I rebuked the flowers for dying and then apologized for being the reason they died.

That’s what you do when your mind goes coo-coo. When everyone around you seems to either die or move away. I had a friend 2 days ago asking me if I wanted to go out to this Jamaican Jazz place she knows. She has a friend visiting at the moment and wanted to go out with a bunch of us. I wasn’t well, having the cold, but she offered to pick me up with the car and bring me back.

But then later her car acted up, something with the oil and she decided to take the bus instead. I didn’t go because I felt weak to even go to bring the rubbish out. Those moments would have send me to the deep end since my brother died, because the amount of times people “cancel” things or people die or whatever sh!t that happens.

And I have to remind myself that I need to water myself, water my friends, water a job opportunity, water a therapy opportunity, even though I feel it doesn’t help me. Every week I want to cancel the therapy because I feel I just go there to do the therapist a favour. I can’t even talk to her. I just go through the motions. I go because I fought for this so long.

I lashed out again on Twitter after a bottle of wine, and I don’t know why I have become like this. I am sorry to everyone who reads this and you have been on the receiving end of my “episodes”.

I think talking to flowers is the better alternative.

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I worked at Pret A Manger and survived systemic workplace bullying during bereavement that involved HR, the top leadership, HQ and even the now “retired” former CEO Clive Schlee. I declined 4 settlement offers if I am silent about my ordeal. But I rather speak out to help others. For an overview of important blog entries of my experience with Pret, please visit “My Ordeal with Pret A Manger”. The little arrow to the right next to each heading will lead directly to the post.
An incomplete list on what other Pret staff say about Pret’s bullying environment: Caught in the Act Bullying at Pret.
I tell my story for the first time verbally in below audio player interview on a podcast by The Adam Paradox, and wrote two articles in the Scottish Left Review.

Please also see the MEDIA page for more.

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Thank you for reading/listening.

©2017 – Present: expret.org


Interview:

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