Dear Reader,

this is an attempt to apologize to anyone I have hurt with my words in writing, on social media, text, email …

I apologized before individually. And I mean it.

I feel like it’s a sorry excuse to blame alcohol and trauma and loss. But that is all that “drove” me to lash out in words, in writings. I have never been like this before my brother died, how I learnt of his death, the surrounding circumstances and all the sh!t that went down with Pret on top of it, with their offense at the end of Lila Warren gaslighting me.

It is not an excuse. I cannot explain the pain, anger and the sheer feeling of being lost, falling into a bottomless pit that never stops. I was at times completely out of my mind, drunk and not drunk. I was “screaming” out in pain and I had no tools to be less loud and offensive and hurtful. I pushed people away in this pain and fear of getting hurt. I couldn’t discern who was a “good” person, and who meant harm. I used a broad-brush and went on a “shooting-spree” with emails and posts. I am still on a waiting list for therapy.

My aiming at the “enemy” (Pret) caused a lot of collateral damage and friendly fire. I am sorry and can only say that I never meant to hurt anyone, especially those who reached out. It took me 3 years now to write Pret A Manger out of my system. I had to do it. I have no regret whatsoever having written about and to Pret. But I have many regrets having hurt anyone who is not involved with what Pret has done. To all of you, I will forever be sorry and regretful.

Many people do not accept my apology, because I kept lashing out again, apologizing again, lashing out again, apologizing again. And I understand. I would do the same. I appreciate the consequences, and I hope I grow and learn from all the things I’ve done and all that happened. I am still coming to terms about my brother’s death and am still in communication with those who were involved in dealing with his death. My family is gone with my mum’s death last month. I couldn’t even bury her. I am glad I was able to spent the first and lock-down with her and then just before second lock-down. The first lock-down when she was still at home. I booked a flight and hotel just before second lock-down but had to cancel as the UK and then Germany announced the second lock-down and hotels shut down. For the first time in my life I can’t face anyone dying. I pretend she’s still alive because I can’t handle any more. I have to redefine life and my own “existence” again.

I am grateful for having “met” everyone, online and off, whom I came in contact with.

All I can ask for is forgiveness and keep blocking me.

Thank you for all the kind and encouraging words, your patience, your honesty.