Life is not worth living

for some it is, for others it isn’t

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UPDATE: 23. June 2020

I struggle with suicidal thoughts and have been for a while since my brother died and the bullying I went through at Pret A Manger.

I have good days, and I have written a lot about my trauma and loss. Depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts is like a mental cancer that I will fight.

If you are based in London and struggle with life or know someone who does, please reach out.

3 places I’d like to mention here:

Ambulant help by appointment only which I experienced from them, The Listening Place in Pimlico, London:

2. Maytree, a house in North London for people who are suicidal: Part of BBC documentary from 57:22 on.

3. And an actor, Joe Tranici, who recently was pointed out to me which is very helpful to know I’m not the only “crazy” person:

2020 Joe Tracini suicidal thoughts

https://twitter.com/joetracini/status/1273649508052860928

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UPDATE

17. December 2020

On 24. November 2020 someone did a word-for-word search on this blog post “life isnt worth living” (screenshot yellow) and this blog entry was clicked:

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2020-11-24 Life not worth living search

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People usually do an exact word-for-word search when they know a blog post already exists.

You can call me paranoid or whatever, that’s fine. But I want to communicate again, that if I choose to end my life I will make this very very clear via different channels that people know me from! In my darkest days I had a suicide note ready in my drafts folder with several people in the CC list. All I needed to do was to click “send” when the time came that I quit. I deleted that email now, but if I choose to end my life I would make this unmistakably clear.

I write this for the following reasons. We live in terrible times where people snap, where there is so much hostility, selfishness, anger. My own anger I channeled via my blog and unfortunately I lashed out at people, also at the wrong people who have been nothing but supportive to me! Yes, I am in the process of getting therapy, but this has been a long road as the UK mental health system is broken and of no priority to this current government. Only NOW after 5 years has the NHS mental health team agreed to diagnose me, AFTER I filed a formal complaint for not getting help and being sent around circles.

In the fall of 2017 I had a brief conversation with Lila Warren, the Development Manager who was put on my case by Pret’s HR dept. (her not even being HR personnel) and who gaslighted me. For those who read this for the first time, my full story with Pret is at the audio player at the very bottom of this post. Because I was so broken, writing crazy emails to countless people incl. Pret, Lila said to me, quote: “You are making enemies”. In Dec. 2017 I was fired from Pret, and since May 2018 I tell my story on this website and on social media.

I have publicly exposed former CEO Clive Schlee, current CEO Pano Christou, David Carter HR, Lila Warren, many others and as of recently Julian Metcalfe. Links to them are below.

I am not making allegations towards anyone, and I suffer with general anxiety. Especially after the various forms of bullying DURING bereavement from Pret leaders. One experience that sticks with me is when I was shouted at by a line manager 2 days before the first anniversary of my brother’s death. I broke down, cried uncontrollably, but was sent out to do customer service in a company that boasts of “happy” teams and smiley customer service. I was paralyzed emotionally and on auto pilot. The team who witnessed this were silent, no support, no word, nothing. Pret twisted it around that I was “aggressive”. That’s one of the sickest forms of gaslighting and manipulation. And many other incidences which has me in hindsight understand that Pret tried to get me out of the company in hopes I resign. If I had resigned, I could never ever write publicly like I do now, because Pret would have twisted it again, probably saying something like: “We were happy with her work, but SHE chose to resign…we did “everything” bla bla”. David Carter certainly pulled out a few tricks!

Only after I contacted then CEO Clive Schlee after a year of trying to get help from the HR dept. did Pret start some support like paying for counselling sessions to make it appear that they’re helpful. But the turmoil in the shops continued with the various and subtle forms of bullying.

And as lunatic as I may sound, but after the tricks and traps from Pret, how they bullied me while I was broken in grief; the fact that TWO customers can die without Pret having acted on whatsoever until it became public, and Pret getting away with it; after the ‘eugenicist’ comments recently by Julian Metcalfe, the toxic environment of Pret etc. etc. … Lila Warren said to me that I am making enemies.

If anyone is doing a word-for-word search on a suicidal blog entry and then thinks that “something” can happen to me masqueraded as a suicide or accident, because I speak out publicly and then it can just be linked to a suicidal blog post … And again, I make NO allegations towards anyone. But if people can die without any consequences, staff being bullied during the worst time of their lives … anything can happen. I write publicly not just to expose, but also to protect myself. Silence kills. And how was it again? “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” – Edmund Burke

Do I call Pret A Manger evil? I leave that to your imagination. Pret certainly is toxic, careless, cowardly and highly overrated. You can quote me on that.

I speak openly about my struggle with mental health, suicidal thoughts and other subjects to take the power out of it! The #1 cause of death in men in their 40s in Britain is suicide. Speaking about struggle takes the sting out and strips it of its power. But if anyone is having thoughts to hurt me in any way because I speak out. A friend asked me last year if I’m not nervous and looking over my shoulder because I write so publicly. No, I’m not. I’m looking straight ahead at my computer screen and keep writing. I almost even deleted above blog entry about life not worth living, for fear someone may take this in their own interpretation. Again, I am NOT making allegations, but I am taking power out of fear and my life is my life. My blog is my blog. My voice is my voice!

Again, I make no allegations towards anyone, but I suffer anxiety and I cannot suffer in silence.

I have sent this blog entry update to friends, journalists, former Pret colleagues, the Union and even to Pret’s current CEO Pano Christou, Pret’s press and HR departments, and itsu. Pret has been silent since I started writing publicly in May 2018. Pret has only played their usual PR tricks, some Pret people have contacted me or started following me whom I know are WITH Pret, but Pret have not responded publicly. To me, when someone is silent, it worries me more than when they right out fire back.

I may be unwell and struggle with life, but I am not stupid. And if anything happens to me, I want this to be investigated. It is disheartening that Pret has no courage to address what I write. But I am also thankful for writing and working through this nightmare.

I am proud, honoured and privileged beyond words to have put Pret A Manger on a wider map for people to see how and who they really are!

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And Pret, when will you stop bullying, patronizing, victimizing and exploiting your hardworking employees? When will you accept a Union and stop firing people for joining or starting one? When will you stop being so greedy and cater to billionaire companies like Bridgepoint, JAB / Reimann and Co. Even hooking up early in the 2000s with McDonald’s. it was clear then where your “values” lie.

Yes, I may be crazy, but it takes crazy people to do what I do and stop caring what people think, especially those who don’t care about people in the first place. To those who support me and to those who withdrew: I’m sorry I hurt you. To Pret: I’m not sorry one bit!

And I keep writing.

Stay safe, wear a mask, share with, support and help those who are vulnerable. Comfort those who grieve and don’t let them suffer alone.

Merry Christ-Mask-wearing-handwashing-social-distancing!

Clive Schlee’s “Late Night Girl”

Only a few of the blog entries that may have people angry, and me having accumulated “enemies”:

About Clive Schlee

Pano Christou

Lila Warren

David Carter

Julian Metcalfe

and others …

Julian Metcalfe’s day on Twitter. And I thought Clive Schlee’s foot-in-mouth disease was already bad. Metcalfe tops it!

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Also JAB Holdings under secretive 2nd richest German family Reimann with their Nazi past.

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I worked at Pret A Manger and survived systemic workplace bullying during bereavement that involved HR, the top leadership, HQ and even the now “retired” former CEO Clive Schlee. I declined 4 settlement offers if I am silent about my ordeal. But I rather speak out to help others. For an overview of important blog entries of my experience with Pret, please visit “My Ordeal with Pret A Manger”. The little arrow to the right next to each heading will lead directly to the post.
An incomplete list on what other Pret staff say about Pret’s bullying environment:
Caught in the Act Bullying at Pret.
I tell my story for the first time verbally in below audio player interview on a podcast by
The Adam Paradox, and wrote two articles in the Scottish Left Review.


Thank you for reading/listening.

©2017 – Present: expret.org


Interview:

Unless otherwise stated or linked to, this website and all writings within this site are the property of expret.org, poetrasblok.com, LateNightGirl.org and are protected by copyright and other intellectual property laws. Reproduction and distribution of my writings without written permission is prohibited.
©2017 – Present: expret.org, poetrasblok.com, LateNightGirl.org unless otherwise stated. All Rights reserved.
Disclaimer.

A Sack of Potatoes in a Cotton Field

 

It weighs heavy on the rich

because poverty is a burden

while white cotton is more precious

than dirty green, yellow, brown-ish things

that is peeled before trying

hailing bullets

in the sun

©2020 poetrasblok.com

 

 


 

 

Questions to Lila Tighilt Warren #PretAManger

To any new reader to my blog,

my below “letter” is to a Development Manager from Pret A Manger’s HQ who was used by Pret’s toxic HR department to gaslight me. My full story with Pret is at the very bottom in an interview on the audio player. In a nutshell, I was targeted and bullied during traumatic bereavement by higher up Managers under the watchful eye of Pret’s HR department. After the first year of bereavement and the bullying and HR not helping me (I didn’t know at the time that HR was heavily involved!), I wrote an email to then CEO Clive Schlee, and ONLY THEN did some support start (like Pret paying for some counselling sessions).

But the bullying continued, this time in more subtle forms which I explain in detail in the audio player below. Traumatized already from my brother’s death and how it all unfolded, I became ill with emailing (again, I explain in the interview) after I received the news of my brother’s death via a cold email.

I kept raising issues of bullying, raised grievances including a grievance against a People Business Partner from HR (who since 2019 now is not in Pret anymore). Of course the grievances went nowhere and Pret just substantiated bits and bobs here and there to make it appear they cared, but they never really addressed the bullying. And Clive Schlee later patronized me calling me his “late night girl” after I sent late night emails to Pret and the whole world it seemed …

As I didn’t stop raising issues, being in trauma etc. and STILL working extremely well under horrendous circumstances, Pret offered me money, NDA if I resign and never speak about my ordeal. I declined the money. And I wouldn’t stop raising issues as I’ve worked my heart out for this company to just be bullied once my grief got in their way.

Pret finally pulled the last “Ace” out of their sleeve and put Lila Warren on my case. She is NOT working for HR but is a Training and Development Manager. She was tasked to hold a disciplinary hearing against me and told me in the meeting that she also had a brother who died alone in his apartment, wasn’t found for days and was not recognizable as his corpse disintegrated already, just like with my brother. My brother died alone in his flat, was not found for approximately 6 days, his body disintegrating and then they just cremated him without supposedly finding us first.

As I was so traumatized form everything, added with the bullying, I bought the lie that Lila dished out. I recently confronted her on Linkedin and after my confrontation she changed her name from “Lila Warren” to “Lila W.” not realizing that her Linkedin can still be found via Google as search of “Lila Warren Pret”. Lila was extremely manipulative and a very good liar! She’s also a NLP practitioner, a Hypnotherapist and now a Psychotherapist. I am still recovering not knowing if I can ever even trust my own gut anymore.

But I share all this to show how utterly perverse and corrupt Pret A Manger is that got away with TWO customers having died, with their smiley and happy facade. The public still believe Pret is an ethical and caring company. They need to believe what they WANT to believe.

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Illusion

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My full story will make a little more sense after hearing my interview. And this is my final “letter” to Lila, which I sent to her on Linkedin after I did extensive research if her dead brother “Zain” actually existed:

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Dear Lila,

I hope you are well during this pandemic.

I am still alive and physically well, although mentally ruined and broken after what I went through with my brother’s death and what Pret put me through, including you gaslighting me.

As you may know, I wrote several articles about what you have done. But in case you missed it, here are two of several posts:

Counsellor Lila Warren — and  — Counselling with Lila Warren.

There is a reason why I gave both posts similar titles.

Both more or less saying the same thing about your “brother Zain”, and what you have done and allowed Pret to do via you.

For 2 years now I’ve been writing, blogging, tweeting about my trauma. For 2 years, on and off, I’ve searched if there is a “brother” named “Zain”.

And then, I came across Kader a few months ago.

He passed away.

Who was he? Your brother? A cousin? Or was he the uncle you mentioned? As you seem to have a large family, it’s all a little bit confusing.

A LaProvence.com Newspaper article about Kader Tighilt’s memorial.

I can’t speak French and did a Google translate, maybe you could correct any wrong translation:


»He left with praise, with thunderous applause, with looks bathed in tears too. The tears of all those who had gathered in town hall from the 15th-16th, yesterday, to say goodbye to Kader Tighilt, chief of the sports department, who died, at 53, of a terrible disease. The elected officials were there, from left and right, Samia Ghali, Patrick Mennucci, Daniel Sperling, Nora Préziosi, Jean-Marc Coppola, Henri Jibrayel, Clément Yana, Jean-Marc Corteggiani, the representative of the prefect also, of the Algerian consul . Kader belonged to the 15th-16th family but he was not from any chapel, subservient to any party, except that of the Republic.

His open, tolerant and always humorous speech had allowed him to gather. Among elected officials and at the bistro. Kader was an all-terrain personality. That is why there were 300 of them crowding in the garden of Villa Laplane where the elected officials rubbed shoulders with athletes, everyday friends and family, of course. A minute of silence launched the tribute ceremony, which was followed by the hymn, symbol of this Republic which he defended as a treasure.

His young son Faris recalled him in a speech full of courage, dignity and emotion: “He was a great man who was going to leave an immense void. We can be proud of the fight he fought. ” Samia Ghali, with whom Kader Tighilt worked, portrayed a man who, beyond ideas, will have marked the town hall with his personality:

“Your voice which surprised us at the Bar des Bons Vivants or at the Régali will be greatly missed.” Nearly an hour of sincere tribute to a man who has spent a too short life cultivating friendship. And to make the young disadvantaged in the northern districts smile. Kader Tighilt was buried in the Vaudrans cemetery, abandoning loved ones torn apart by grief, who nevertheless know that his image and his spirit will remain present in Saint-Louis, La Viste, at the Bar des Bons Vivants and in the town hall of the sector.

Where, without Kader, life will not be quite as before.«


End of translation.

Kader was a prominent figure in Marseille where you’re from.

And an English article about Kader Tighilt: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/travel/marseilles-ethnic-bouillabaisse-180191988

And a Tweet about a tribute after his death:

2015 Twitter Kader Tighilt

Link

Lila, remember the picture you had on your Pret work-phone? You had NO picture whatsoever on your private phone number, which is now your counselling number, the painted picture of which you said is a self-portrait by your brother Zain, whom you said died in his apartment and wasn’t found for days, just like my brother. I found the painted picture on Facebook profile of Samir Tighilt, who has this black and white photo of Kader Tighilt on it. Is Samir another brother? I can’t find Zain, though!

2020-03-13 Samir Tighilt zain

Facebook profile

And not to be mistaken for another Tighilt family, you, your brother Morad and your Husband/family Warren show up on Samir Tighilt’s friend-list. There is no “Zain” to be found, though!

2020 Lila Samir Tighilt

I searched for Zain Tighilt and after many Facebook profiles and articles found Kader Tighilt.

You had a painted self-portrait of your “brother Zain” on your work phone, but no picture whatsoever on your private phone. I always wondered about this, why you had no photo or picture on your private phone, but a personal picture (“Zain’s self-portrait”) on your work phone. Well, I think it’s clear now, why. How confused your family would have been if you had that same picture on your private phone avatar. I believed you that you had a brother who died similarly to how my brother died, you were very convincing! As I wrote already in the other posts that you are either a very good liar because of the way you described everything regarding death and your “brother’s” body, which I know from my brother’s death. If you lied, that makes you a bad person. But if this is true that you indeed had a brother named Zain who died alone in his apartment and wasn’t found for days, like my brother, then this makes you even worse than a bad person.

I am still looking for a word to describe how this feels what Pret has done, and what you have done, I can’t find a word to describe this. The only word I can find is: perversion. It is perverse what you have done, claiming that you had a brother who died alone in his apartment and was not found for days, just like my brother. How perverse is a lie like this?

Maybe Kader’s middle name is Zain? But also looking at the date when Kader died and the date you gave me about “Zain’s” death, the dates don’t match. It’s all very confusing isn’t it? But it all makes sense in hindsight with your education, and being a Hypnotherapist, NLP practitioner and now Psychotherapist. You apply psychology the wrong way. You used psychology to manipulate, gaslight and plainly abuse because you couldn’t stand up to Pret.

Lila Warren BACP

Link

And National Hypnotherapy Society:

Lila Warren Hypnotherapy Society

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I mean, it is quiet something that Pret had to go through such length, and you to such abyss to get me out of the company. I wouldn’t be surprised if you got a pay-rise and are exempt from being made redundant. Was it worth though? People can google your name and it will lead to my blog and other writings about what you have done. Anyone who wants to check out your counselling service will land on my blog. Was it worth it? Things always catch up with people, even in years to come. And I keep raising awareness on Pret’s systemic bullying culture. But now from the outside. Did you read those reviews on Head Office? Have you left a review on Pret yet? I remember some of your words about top leadership …

Lila, do you know that I have a hard time now trusting people who are friendly and nice? Every-time someone is kind and interested in my story or life, I get paranoid thinking that Pret sent a “spy” to gaslight me again. You should not be a counsellor of any type! You are not fit to call yourself any type of counsellor. And sooner or later your abusive way will come to light with others as well.

You might be protected and shielded by family, Pret A Manger and the counselling bodies you’re under. But no amount of money or “education” will shield you from exposure. My blog will always be a thorn in your and Pret’s side.

With all respect and condolences, but it doesn’t matter to me anymore if you had a brother named Zain. But I care that the public knows how toxic, abusive, corrupt, exploitative and plain cowardly Pret A Manger is. And I will keep cracking Pret’s shiny and smiley facade. Pret can paint over the cracks like colouring a rotten egg with all the charity and freebie marketing. I will keep cracking it with a pen and paper, and a computer keyboard to expose the foul stench from its core!

I care that the public and staff, many of whom are brainwashed and desperate for a job like I was, know how Pret under Clive Schlee, Pano Christou and HR David Carter etc. victimize hardworking employees who call out wrong-doing. And how you, with your privilege and education have neither backbone nor values to do the right thing. You need to live with decisions of disgrace and horrific disrespect. You allowed Pret to step, and decided yourself to step on dignity. That’s on you Lila.

Right Thing Naturally

2019-06-30 44 staff 50 Clive

Glassdoor.com

2020-06-09 Pano 40 39

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To any new reader, my full story with Pret A Manger and what Lila Warren was involved in I share at the bottom audio player in an interview on a podcast based in California.

Arrow

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(Above header picture by: https://x-diotima-x.skyrock.com/3246454324-Kader-Tighilt-un-Homme-bien.html)

Arrow

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I worked at Pret A Manger and survived systemic workplace bullying during bereavement that involved HR, the top leadership, HQ and even the now “retired” former CEO Clive Schlee. I declined 4 settlement offers if I am silent about my ordeal. But I rather speak out to help others. For an overview of important blog entries of my experience with Pret, please visit “My Ordeal with Pret A Manger”. The little arrow to the right next to each heading will lead directly to the post.
An incomplete list on what other Pret staff say about Pret’s bullying environment:
Caught in the Act Bullying at Pret.
I tell my story for the first time verbally in below audio player interview on a podcast by
The Adam Paradox, and wrote two articles in the Scottish Left Review.
Thank you for reading/listening.


Interview:

.

©2020 expret.org


Unless otherwise stated or linked to, this website and all writings within this site are the property of expret.org, poetrasblok.com, LateNightGirl.org and are protected by copyright and other intellectual property laws. Reproduction and distribution of my writings without written permission is prohibited.
©2017 – Present: expret.org, poetrasblok.com, LateNightGirl.org unless otherwise stated. All Rights reserved. Disclaimer.

Love people

 

white lala land

 

 

 

There’s a god

just for the whites

he’s got blue eyes

and blond hands

to heal

those who are too dark to recover

 

He’s a carpenter

with splinters in his fingers

long gone

and than there is

a voice

 

 

 

 

 

#Colorblind – “Let’s change the world”

 

Al Sharpton’s eulogy has so many amazing metaphors that will have you discover things in time to come.

Let’s hope Lady Justice is colorblind!

“He died because there has not been the corrective behavior that has taught this country that if you commit a crime, it does not matter if you wear blue jeans or a blue uniform you must pay for the crime you commit.”

– Al Sharpton for George Floyd memorial.

 

“Let’s change the world”

– Gianna Floyd

 

 

Sir, I Was Born here

 

I don’t like the hashtag #BlackLivesMatter

It’s like reminding us what comes naturally:

Water matters, Air matters, Love matters, Food matters, the Moon matters … it’s like saying a no-brainer is thawing out.

 

 

What makes people stand up for justice is not justice …

It’s a VISUAL

 

It’s shocking

It exposes the SYSTEM!

 

Sh!t, we SAW it!

What now??!

 

HOW can we look away now?!

 

What do we do once it’s on CAMERA?

 

We saw a knee crushing on a neck

 

But we SAW it before!

And we SAW it again!

And again

And we saw it!

and saw IT!

 

We heard the pleas.

We saw the police.

But we heard it before

So many times!

 

We read about it during breakfast

while cracking an egg

squeezing an orange for juice not justice!

 

It happens every day

behind facades

in jails to innocent people

and to the guilty

of course

 

on the streets

 

in the dark

 

in bedrooms

 

in broad daylight

 

in boardrooms

 

and courtrooms …

 

(C) 2020 poetrasblok.com

 

#JusticeForGeorgeFloyd

#JusticeForBlackLives

 

We say we’re not like them
A generation ago
We came on the same ships we were hidden below

We came seeking protection
Away from the strife
Away from the struggles and the hardships of life

I’m not an incomer
My parents were ghosts
Sir I was born here
So where would I go?

There’s ghosts on the motorway
The world is on fire
There’s ghosts on the sandflats as the water gets higher and higher

There’s ghosts in the brothels
Behind thick stony walls
There’s ghosts and their children in prison food halls

I’m not an incomer
My parents were ghosts
Sir I was born here
So where would I go?

© Adem Ilhan, LAU