Writing on the Wall

My lashing out and crying out has gotten out of control so many times that I don’t know if I can overcome this.

When I started the emailing to Pret and others (friends, counsellor, anyone …), I was in the middle of the bullying at work and trying to come to terms about my brother’s death.

I received the news of his death via email. In that email I learned that he has died 5 weeks prior, no clear cause of death and an approximate day of death plus minus. He lay dead in his apartment approximately 6 days. This email gave me his death and that they supposedly couldn’t find us and they cremated him. Other heavy information, all in ONE email. I am still today communicating with the police and even involved the press as I can’t afford a lawyer. I plainly don’t know what to do and how to live.

My friends became quickly overwhelmed and didn’t know what to do with me. I was overweight and lost 35kg, much of it in the first 6 months, and no-one knew how to approach me, so they stayed away. I worked at Pret with daily free food, but I couldn’t eat. I forced myself to eat half a baguette a day or a banana and could not swallow.

When the bullying started, Pret did not have info of the circumstances of my brother’s death as I didn’t talk about it except that he had died, not wanting to burden anyone. I only shared about a year later. Part of the bullying from line managers and an area manager was via email.

I believe this catapulted me into mass emailing. I was then gaslighted by a Development Manager from Pret who was tasked to sanction me for emailing. But this person told me in the FORMAL disciplinary hearing that she also had a brother who died alone in his apartment and was not discovered for 10 days. I still don’t know to this day if she lied. If she did, she is a very good liar because of the way she described things. She is also a Hypnotherapist, NLP practitioner and now a Psychotherapist which I learned later. In hindsight I was very naive and lost in a fog of grief, trauma and the survival of the bullying culture in Pret.

I raised a formal complaint with one of the counselling bodies she is under, but they stalled and I flipped out so much that it didn’t get anywhere. I raised a Tribunal claim against Pret and had to withdraw, as I couldn’t afford a lawyer and my dad died at the time of preparing for the case.

The Development Manager went into private text messaging and emailing with me the very next day after she disciplined me for emailing!!! In hindsight it was a trick from Pret to fire me after I also kept raising issues of bullying in Pret.

When I started emailing I didn’t drink. The drinking came later and made it worse. It became so bad that I started to dismantle my phone and laptop, hiding parts in cupboards and places, so when I was drunk, I had a hard time finding the parts and putting it back together. I became so ill.

But I couldn’t stop writing. I often forgot the next day that I wrote to people until I received angry mails back or checked my sent folder! I was always devastated. I even told my then line manager TWICE that I am emailing Pret and don’t know why. He said twice that it’s not his business and that he doesn’t judge me. I was calling out, speaking to counsellors, but the sessions where always 6 weeks and stopped.

When I dismantled my phone and laptop, I woke up the next day and discovered that I’ve written on my walls with markers! I couldn’t stop writing! My apartment was a mess on the walls. I still had some paint from a year before when my kitchen and bathroom were refurbished, and I painted over the writing. Then when drunk, I wrote again on the walls, then painted over again … then wrote again … BUT at least I did NOT email anyone!

When I lost my job and went into further turmoil, I started to write publicly on this blog about what Pret did. When I started to write, I was suicidal and planned to write as much and fast as I can and then end my life. I wanted to leave and at least tell the world what happened that it can’t be brushed under the carpet.

But the writing turned into healing and support, at least on social media started to come in and I felt that the writing, apart from exposing Pret, turned into healing.

But I emailed again and again … even up to TODAY!

I lashed out at people, in emails, in DMs, openly on Twitter, on Facebook …. everywhere.

I sought help with the NHS mental health service and am still, or again, on a waiting list. I wrote about it a few days ago.

I feel hopeless, don’t want to live anymore, feel like I killed people and can’t get them back to life. I pushed people away who truly tried to help. The fear to be abandoned again like I was when my brother died and stuff that happened when my dad died …

I truly have tried to get professional help and know that friends cannot and should not carry this. I was left alone early on and lost hope that I find help. My mum is the only family I have left and I’m losing her.

I am so sorry to all people that I hurt. I have no excuse, especially those who truly tried to help. I lost so many people by my actions that I don’t know how to overcome this. But I want to thank all who were kind and helpful, and I wish I could make good again.

To anyone who has friends who have lost someone, please don’t leave them alone! Please don’t abandon them. I NOW deserve to be abandoned because of my continued action. But early in my grief I did NOT deserve it! I was lost. Now I deserve it and I take 150% responsibility.

I share a little bit on a BBC call-in early morning on Christmas Day 2019. Please all stay safe, and take care of each other.

BBC radio call-in to Dotun Adebayo Show 25th Dec. 2019:

 


 

I worked at Pret A Manger and survived systemic workplace bullying during bereavement that involved HR, the top leadership, HQ and even the now “retired” former CEO Clive Schlee. I declined 4 settlement offers if I am silent about my ordeal. But I rather starve and speak out to help others. For an overview of important blog entries of my experience with Pret, please visit “My Ordeal with Pret A Manger”. The little arrow to the right next to each heading will lead directly to the post.
An incomplete list on what other Pret staff say about Pret’s bullying environment:
Caught in the Act Bullying at Pret.
I tell my story for the first time verbally in below audio player interview on a podcast by
The Adam Paradox, and wrote two articles in the Scottish Left Review.
Thank you for reading/listening.


Interview:


©2020 expret.org

Unless otherwise stated or linked to, this website and all writings within this site are the property of expret.org, poetrasblok.com, LateNightGirl.org and are protected by copyright and other intellectual property laws. Reproduction and distribution of my writings without written permission is prohibited.
©2017 – Present: expret.org, poetrasblok.com, LateNightGirl.org unless otherwise stated. All Rights reserved. Disclaimer.

Love Bombing & Many Faces

 

My lashing out at people when drunk and the continued aim to not do that, apologizing, seeking professional help etc.

One person, I call XXXX, kept saying that there’s no need to apologize, it’s all healing etc.

And then, I lashed out within a group, and suddenly it wasn’t okay anymore because, the person felt their reputation was at stake but used another reason.

Double meaning, mixed messages, support only as long as they look good …

Only a few examples in private mails with the person. I sent these examples to the person and they supposedly do not read it. So, I speak out again publicly because people need to know how messed up I am, and how people play with it.

 

Me:

… And now, 2 years later I SCREAM online and Pret doesn’t do a thing!!!!!

And I lash out at people, in pain. …

Nov. 2019

XXXX:

It’s all good. Part of healing.

Nov. 2019

 

Me:

I’m sorry … I always let people down because I’m not what they think I am. …
You people who have a lot to lose, fight for yourself. …
I am still waiting for therapy abd a professional to tell me why I write this BS and lash out at people who mean well. …

Nov. 2019

XXXX:

You lash out because you are angry and hurt and speaking out helps you heal and understand what is going on with you and also helps release some of the inner stress… it’s not a bad thing, it’s a cry for help & a sign of healing… which is slow & painful and you need to allow yourself grace & heal in your own time and not scold yourself for the time it takes…

Dec. 2019

 

Me:

… I know most of “you” (meaning people in general) are fed up with my rants and nothing happens.
All I want is peace, but I’m struggling with the German police as well. I’m sorry …

Dec. 2019

XXXX:

You have NOTHING to be sorry for! … Hugs

Dec. 2019

(Struggling with the German police because I am still investigating why they did not find us and just cremated my brother without our knowledge and consent).

 

Me:

… I’m so sorry. I’m so terribly angry at the moment and letting it out on he wrong people while … I hate what I’ve become. …
I don’t want to apologize anymore. It’s pretentious I think. I am very angry at myself. The therapy waiting list has gone for 2 years now.

Dec. 2019

XXXX:

You were always going to have forward then some backward days. You’ll never know what’s going to trigger you next. It’s quite the process to heal. But you are healing. You are better than you were. And you can’t argue with me on that!

Dec. 2019

 

Me:

I am sorry for being such a disrespecting asshole.
I have no excuse.

Feb. 2020

You:

Nothing to be sorry about.

Feb. 2020

Me:

Please don’t say that. I appreciate your patience and kindness, but I am out of line!

etc. etc.

 

Here I was, lashing out at the person, apologizing, and being devastated at myself for having messed up again, and then always being told: “nothing to be sorry about” … “it’s ok” … “you are healing…” etc. etc. etc.

And once I lashed out in a group, this person suddenly called it “insults” and “venom”, because their reputation was at stake. I am really sorry I did that and disappointed them. Though, if people don’t take responsibility for their own words, and it’s always thrown back at the person who’s already in a mess, that’s very easy. People who have a lot to lose, will always put the blame 100% on the other person who’s the mess already. That’s human nature.

This is why “love bombings” and “sweet-talk” and what some call “toxic positivity” is pretentious and fake, and humiliating beyond words. It’s irresponsible and unprofessional as the person is a person of position, influence and authority. This person witnessed many times when I lashed out drunk (later deleting my Tweets in shock myself) as I copied them and others in, not ONE TIME did the person speak to me to work on this or stop this. Instead, always “nothing to be sorry about” … “you are healing” … etc.

It also reminds me of the gaslighting Pret A Manger put me through with Lila Warren, the Pret Development Manager who was tasked to sanction me. I share this in the audio player interview at the bottom of this page. Lila Warren told me in a FORMAL disciplinary meeting she held, that she also had a brother who died alone in his apartment and wasn’t found for days. Like my brother did. After extensive research with the name she gave me of her “brother”, her story is not all how she presented.

If my mum wasn’t alive I would have ended my life long time ago.

I am tired of people who play games in private, and then want to protect themselves in public. I am always suspicious when people are too positive and say nice things all of the time!

From a regular person without influence, I can understand, but not from this person. This person also never asked me any questions. Questions like, what kind of support or professional help I received to date or am still receiving, if any. What other support I may need. What the person itself could do to support etc etc. No questions. Just love-bombing and assuming I’ll be okay.

I am well worded, and this often keeps me from getting help as even mental health services think I’m okay. My medical file is long now and I want to put a stop to it.

I will keep lashing out, I cannot recover, I cannot and don’t want to have people close anymore.

To the person who wrote all these things for me to not be sorry etc.

If you read this:
I KNOW you meant well. I still and always will know you meant well. I know it when I see it!
But you are a person of position, influence and authority, even power.
You knew my trauma from the get go. I am the vulnerable person.
You need to be responsible when you communicate.
You know people from all walks of life, especially professionals, Psychologists, Police, Doctors etc. You could have asked anyone how to deal with a person like me.
You could and should have told me in private that I should work on not lashing out instead of telling me continually that I have nothing to apologize for and that I am “healing”. I felt I even was healing, but then had a huge backlash that I didn’t see coming myself. It shocked me myself.
You are used to making decisions that affect people’s lives.
You are used to be “celebrated” and have people around you who agree on everything you do. That’s not healthy.
You will be told that you did nothing wrong by the people who gather around you.
I speak out because people need to know that you cannot trust people who say big words in private, to just drop you in a group.
Maybe you need to be needed and then spread yourself too thin.
I know you care and cared! But you should know better with your immense occupational and life experience. It makes me feel in hindsight that you just use vulnerable people to fill your own void or your need to be needed.
I am truly sorry for the pain I caused. I never portrayed myself as a person who has it altogether.
You care a lot, please seek help when dealing with traumatized people in private.
Your words have weight! Please have more care and professionalism when dealing with vulnerable people. You cross boundaries when you are neither aware nor know of your responsibility in your private communications, as vulnerable people look up to you and make the mistake to trust you quicker with the influence you have. But you are just a human being who makes mistakes. But you don’t own up to it. You were irresponsible.
I will not be used again or gaslit by people of influence.
I seek peace and to forgive.

Anyone who thinks I need professional help:

 

My NHS Odyssey

People often tell me I need to get professional help or see a Psychiatrist. But no-one asks what odyssey I have been through in the UK NHS system for years now.

I explained this recently to people who did the usual “you need professional help” thing.

I have now been on a 2 year waiting list, and before on another year waiting list for therapy. I went to suicidal charities where people who want to end their lives can be heard without getting locked in. But I exhausted that service now.

I was sent away twice from hospital while suicidal. After the first 1 year waiting list for NHS therapy, because I cannot afford private therapy, I finally got a place in a therapy, which would be long-term. I felt I cracked the jackpot!!! After reaching out so much and waiting so long, going to charities, my doctor, mental health clubs that have no professionals, just volunteers to occupy time etc. in December 2017 after 2 assessments I was offered a long-term therapy place!

I was told that I will have 12 weekly sessions of group therapy!

After only getting funded for 6 sessions, which were not enough to even get started on my trauma, before you get into your trauma, the sessions are over. But now I felt I won the jackpot with TWELVE sessions!!!

But the psychologist didn’t stop there, and the jackpot grew even bigger!

I was then told that after the 12 weekly group introductory sessions to this type of therapy, there would be a few weeks break and then an 18 MONTHS group AND individual sessions would follow.

I would have 18 months of weekly group sessions AND 18 months of individual weekly sessions.

TWO sessions per week, one in a group and one individual with a Therapist!!! For 18 MONTHS!!!

I couldn’t believe my luck and FINALLY felt hope to get long-term help. This was in December 2017 when I was fired, and flying back and forth to my father until he died in March 2018. Maybe it kept me going while my dad was in hospital, then out his coma and intensive care, then into rehab, and me just gotten fired. I held on to the hope of this long-term therapy which was starting in the fall of 2018.

In the fall of 2018 the group sessions started. 12 weeks of introduction to this type of therapy. 2 Therapists where holding the group therapy, one a Psychiatrist, the other a Psychologist. We were about 8 people in the group.

And then in the 6th session, 6 weeks into the introductory sessions the Psychologist, who was under the guidance of the Psychiatrist, dropped a bomb! We were “casually” told that the 18 months main group and individual therapy sessions would be video recorded!

We were told that the recordings were to help the therapists read what we were NOT saying and they would go frame-by-frame of what we were and were not saying!

Me and another guy in shock and after asking questions, got up and left the therapy.

I raised a formal complaint with the NHS that I felt tricked and that I wasted a year waiting for the group sessions to start, without being fully informed in the assessment the year before and given the chance to not go forward with this therapy. If I would have been informed at the assessment the year before, I would not have chosen to do the therapy and could have looked for alternatives. But instead, I wasted almost a year in the assumption I now finally found long-term help for the trauma I’ve been through.

We were never told in our assessments the YEAR BEFORE that we will be videoed. And then when the 12 week group intro. sessions started, the Therapists waited 6 WEEKS before they told us. It looked like they wanted to get us acquainted and “hooked” to the therapy first, in order to make it hard on us to either leave or to feel no other choice then to submit to videoing. We were NOT told that we had a choice under data protection. We could have all declined to be videoed, and the Therapists would have HAD TO go forward with the therapy WITHOUT videoing, as we had a choice under data protection laws.

But we were not told this! It was presented to us as if we had no choice, that the option was either to submit to being videoed during very personal therapy sessions, or to not be part of the therapy.

All my points in the complaint were upheld and I was told by the complaints dept. that in future they will inform people at the assessment for people to make a choice, if they want to be part of the therapy or not.

I understand in hindsight that the Psychologist was in training and the Psychiatrist was sitting mostly quiet to observe and train the Psychologist. Our video sessions would be used for training purposes. I argued in my complaint to the NHS that I felt we were used as guinea pigs for training, and that we were purposefully NOT informed beforehand, so it would be harder for us to make decisions against videoing, as we waited so long for long-term therapy funded by the NHS …

I bumped into one of the group a few months ago and was told that they video the group sessions, after whoever remained agreed to it and that the individual therapy sessions are only videoed with the individual person’s permission. Only 3 of us left and the rest agreed to videoing and some new clients were added to the group.

And I am still on a waiting list now for new therapy.

The chief Psychologist who is over this therapy and the other therapists was visibly pissed off with me when he assessed me for a new therapy, that they try to find for me. I ruined his plans and am now paying for it with overly long waiting lists. He even called me “chronically suicidal” in an email. And yet, I get no help.

I had the police called to my apartment 2 times and an ambulance once in the last 6 months, because I was ready to go. Other times I went to the police station at night to be safe because there are no hospital beds available. They just let me sit in the police station after I explain that I need to be safe. And no, I was not drunk except twice. The other times I was perfectly sober!

Some people say to me that they’re sorry I fell through the cracks of the mental health system. But I did not fall through the cracks! The system is such that the Government cut funds, the health system is overloaded and you either become a guinea pig, where in turn for free therapy you have to pay with your personal data in form of videoing therapy sessions. Or if you have the private funds yourself, you can find your own specialist and therapy. As I chose not to “sell” my data via videoing, I am paying for it now.

A recent news article said that the police in the UK are dealing with more mental health related calls than with crime. The Government in the last 10 years have cut over 20.000 police men/women and cut a lot in the NHS system! Anyone who has needed help from the UK mental health service, knows what I’m talking about.

And when people then say to me that I need professional help, but don’t ASK me WHAT I have done to get help in the last 5 years, I give up now.

All what is left for me is just to care for my mum as best as I can and not put any grief on her. But I have no strength nor will to go on anymore.

Thank you for reading and stay away from me.

 


 

I worked at Pret A Manger and survived systemic workplace bullying during bereavement that involved HR, the top leadership, HQ and even the now “retired” former CEO Clive Schlee. I declined 4 settlement offers if I am silent about my ordeal. But I rather starve and speak out to help others. For an overview of important blog entries of my experience with Pret, please visit “My Ordeal with Pret A Manger”. The little arrow to the right next to each heading will lead directly to the post.
An incomplete list on what other Pret staff say about Pret’s bullying environment:
Caught in the Act Bullying at Pret.
I tell my story for the first time verbally in below audio player interview on a podcast by
The Adam Paradox, and wrote two articles in the Scottish Left Review.
Thank you for reading/listening.


Interview:

©2020 expret.org


Unless otherwise stated or linked to, this website and all writings within this site are the property of expret.org, poetrasblok.com, LateNightGirl.org and are protected by copyright and other intellectual property laws. Reproduction and distribution of my writings without written permission is prohibited.
©2017 – Present: expret.org, poetrasblok.com, LateNightGirl.org unless otherwise stated. All Rights reserved. Disclaimer.

Khalil Gibran ft. Whitey

 

Gibran

Khalil Gibran

 

The Other Language

Khalil Gibran »The Other Language« (The Madman)
Music: Whitey »Made of Night« & »Rats«
Edit: expret.org via Horxata

 

 

 

Said a Blade of Grass

 

Khalil Gibran “Said a Blade of Grass”
Music: Domi Chansorn
“Video”: expret.org

 

 

Do you hear the Medics sing? #NHS

 

Do you hear the Medics sing?
Singing the songs of years of pain?

It’s the song of a profession
who’ve been screwed and screwed again

Though we’ve got no PPE
and some of us may succumb

We’re the ones who go to work
when Corona comes

We haven’t had a pay rise since 1953
and they screwed up all our pensions
and then taxed us to our knees

They made all the Juniors sign up
for working for free

Do you hear the Medics sing?
Singing the songs of years of pain?
It’s the sound of a Profession
who’s been screwed and screwed again

Though we’ve got no PPE
and some of us may succumb
we’re the ones who go to work
when Corona comes

The traitors from the CQC
have crawled back to the pit
Your GMC re-registered
but it’s years since you quit

It turns out appraisals
is really a pile of shit

Do you hear the Medics sing?
Singing the songs of years of pain?
It’s the sound of a Profession
who’s been screwed and screwed again

Though we’ve got no PPE
and some of us may succumb
we’re the ones who go to work
when Corona comes

 

 

Song adapted from Les Misérables Do you hear the people sing? – adapted by Unknown

Song first found on Twitter

#1

 


 

1. Plea to NHS staff & all who receive freebies & donations from Pret!

Know what Pret tried to do to their OWN staff by cutting pay while distracting from it with freebies to NHS staff & others. Pret reverted for now after a public outcry and bad press!

2. Pret opened kitchen again during furlough to continue their PR stunt giving to NHS workers and homeless people, having staff work in kitchens. Pret also does this to have staff ready in place when the government gives the green light for businesses to open.

 


 

I worked at Pret A Manger and survived systemic workplace bullying during bereavement that involved HR, the top leadership, HQ and even the now “retired” former CEO Clive Schlee. I declined 4 settlement offers if I am silent about my ordeal. But I rather starve and speak out to help others. For an overview of important blog entries of my experience with Pret, please visit “My Ordeal with Pret A Manger”. The little arrow to the right next to each heading will lead directly to the post.
An incomplete list on what other Pret staff say about Pret’s bullying environment:
Caught in the Act Bullying at Pret.
I tell my story for the first time verbally in below audio player interview on a podcast by
The Adam Paradox, and wrote two articles in the Scottish Left Review.
Thank you for reading/listening.


Interview:

 

©2020 expret.org


Unless otherwise stated or linked to, this website and all writings within this site are the property of expret.org, poetrasblok.com, LateNightGirl.org and are protected by copyright and other intellectual property laws. Reproduction and distribution of my writings without written permission is prohibited.
©2017 – Present: expret.org, poetrasblok.com, LateNightGirl.org unless otherwise stated. All Rights reserved. Disclaimer.