The Shopping List
READER DISCRETION ADVISED:
I am giving a warning for sensitive readers, a warning I never got, but I nevertheless want to give this warning. If you’re eating, please put your food down.
I woke up on a January morning in 2015 and made the mistake to check my email before going to work for late shift. I wanted to start the day slow as work at Pret was always horrifically stressful.
Email from 12.01.2015, translated as best from German to English as possible, verbatim.
Dear Mrs [My Name],
unfortunately I have sad news to bring.
Mr. [Name of my Brother] was found dead in his apartment in [Name of City] on 15.12.2014
From the paperwork, no next of kin could be determined, therefore I was appointed to act as beneficiary of the estate of your brother.
The copy of the appointment is attached.
Your brother was cremated on orders by [Name of City], the burial is still open. You and your mother can decide where the urn will be buried.
Unfortunately I also have to inform you that the estate is over-indebted, therefore you have to cover the funeral expenses of the urn (the cremation etc.). Furthermore, it would be advised to reject the inheritance.
Please inform me of your and your mother’s address.
For contact in regards to the funeral, the details are [Name, address and email of the morgue].
[Name of Brutal, Ice-cold Messenger B*tch!]
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End of quote verbatim translation.
I cannot explain what went through me and will never find words of the sheer horror. Or was I dreaming? I read the email on the phone in my hand and just looked at the phone like it was playing a nasty joke on me.
Not only is my brother dead, he’s COMPLETELY GONE? And I had to learn this in a cold, robotic email as if I was reading a shopping list of errands I have to run?
The email read like a shopping list, rattling down instructions and upon investigating in the beginning, I haven’t read it for years anymore. I was instructed to reject the inheritance as otherwise I’d be left with thousands in debt. He was self-employed as a green energy advisor which he studied to become self-employed. He never told us how much he struggled.
I wrote him many emails since SHOUTING at him WHY he never told us how much he struggled!!! I wrote him emails until my emails started bouncing back after about a year as there was no activity/logins/outgoing email on his account, and his account just shut down.
After emailing the courthouse in his city for 2 years who gave the instruction to appoint a beneficiary of the estate, the president of the court replied (someone finally replied basically, and it was the highest person in the court), and she semi-apologised but went on with excuses. She said that bringing the news like this via email is “obscene”. But nothing more. I have no money or I would sue the sh!t out of everyone involved.
Everything turned against me either by longtime friends even early on disappearing or being targeted at work in Pret A Manger, which I write extensively here on my blog after having declined Pret’s “hush money” and NDAs.
And to add further to everything making it more traumatic, they sent my brother’s urn to my mum’ss village via POSTAL MAIL!!!! Everything we learnt was COMPLETELY disrespectful and careless!! I did some research and learnt that indeed they send urns in germany via the postal mail! I wrote about it here:
In Germany They Send Urns Via Post
The last contact I had with my brother was 5 weeks before he died where he declined my invitation to a concert near his city where I flew over for in November 2014. He couldn’t make it and also said that the artist is not his cup of tea. I worked with the artist on a project and got free tickets and was always permitted to bring a +1. As I went to several of the artist concert in different German cities as she was on tour there, I always invited friends who live in or close to the city, and then also invited my brother to one of the gigs close to his town. I even went with my mum and a friend at one point in another tour of the artist.
I never replied to his email assuming I’ll see him anyway. But as usual he was busy, I was busy … And I had to admit to myself later that I was a little cross with him for not coming as I was working with the artist on a project, and I think I wanted him to be proud of me.
My brother had a cat that one day slipped out of the apartment and returned pregnant. He kept 2 of the kittens and gave 2 away. All 3 cats, grown up with its mother survived the approximately 6 days my brother lay dead in front of his apartment door.
The police told me that the cats ransacked the apartment, probably in distress or looking for food. Two of the cats they managed to catch, the third cat slipped through their legs and out the door. A neighbour told me that the cat doesn’t let anyone near it and they just feed it by putting food on the steps of the building in hopes it finds trust again and comes in. But I lost contact as I stopped contacting them. I assume the cat has passed now.
I came across a tweet once that was about cute cat videos that millions love to watch. For some reason in the comments someone mentioned that when the owner of a cat (or dog) dies, cats tend to start eating the corpse. And it put further trauma on me the thought of it.
I went on emailing-spree ever since, mostly drunk and very angry, of which I am just now slowly coming out of.
Many lost friends, lost job, lost opportunities later, I am left with a pile of losses and a decision if to go on or to quit. My parents have died now, I couldn’t bury my mum during 2. lock-down.
I sabotaged my life, relationships and everything else hoping it would help me end my life.
What is there now?
In memory of my big brother Thomas.
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I worked at Pret A Manger and survived systemic workplace bullying during bereavement that involved HR, the top leadership, HQ and even the now “retired” former CEO Clive Schlee. I declined 4 settlement offers if I am silent about my ordeal. But I rather speak out to help others. For an overview of important blog entries of my experience with Pret, please visit “My Ordeal with Pret A Manger”. The little arrow to the right next to each heading will lead directly to the post.
An incomplete list on what other Pret staff say about Pret’s bullying environment: Caught in the Act Bullying at Pret.
I tell my story for the first time verbally in below audio player interview on a podcast by The Adam Paradox, and wrote two articles in the Scottish Left Review and was mentioned by the BBC.
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Please also see the MEDIA page for more.
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Thank you for reading/listening.
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Interview:
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Bullied during bereavement in Pret A Manger 