PTSD – Bullied during bereavement in Pret A Manger

The Shopping List

October 28, 2023March 13, 2024 I Survived Pret A Manger (unsafe company)Leave a comment

The Shopping List

READER DISCRETION ADVISED:

I am giving a warning for sensitive readers, a warning I never got, but I nevertheless want to give this warning. If you’re eating, please put your food down.

I woke up on a January morning in 2015 and made the mistake to check my email before going to work for late shift. I wanted to start the day slow as work at Pret was always horrifically stressful.

Email from 12.01.2015, translated as best from German to English as possible, verbatim.

Audio version via podcast.

Dear Mrs [My Name],

unfortunately I have sad news to bring.

Mr. [Name of my Brother] was found dead in his apartment in [Name of City] on 15.12.2014

From the paperwork, no next of kin could be determined, therefore I was appointed to act as beneficiary of the estate of your brother.

The copy of the appointment is attached.

Your brother was cremated on orders by [Name of City], the burial is still open. You and your mother can decide where the urn will be buried.

Unfortunately I also have to inform you that the estate is over-indebted, therefore you have to cover the funeral expenses of the urn (the cremation etc.). Furthermore, it would be advised to reject the inheritance.

Please inform me of your and your mother’s address.

For contact in regards to the funeral, the details are [Name, address and email of the morgue].

[Name of Brutal, Ice-cold Messenger B*tch!]

End of quote verbatim translation.

I cannot explain what went through me and will never find words of the sheer horror. Or was I dreaming? I read the email on the phone in my hand and just looked at the phone like it was playing a nasty joke on me.

Not only is my brother dead, he’s COMPLETELY GONE? And I had to learn this in a cold, robotic email as if I was reading a shopping list of errands I have to run?

The email read like a shopping list, rattling down instructions and upon investigating in the beginning, I haven’t read it for years anymore. I was instructed to reject the inheritance as otherwise I’d be left with thousands in debt. He was self-employed as a green energy advisor which he studied to become self-employed. He never told us how much he struggled.

I wrote him many emails since SHOUTING at him WHY he never told us how much he struggled!!! I wrote him emails until my emails started bouncing back after about a year as there was no activity/logins/outgoing email on his account, and his account just shut down.

After emailing the courthouse in his city for 2 years who gave the instruction to appoint a beneficiary of the estate, the president of the court replied (someone finally replied basically, and it was the highest person in the court), and she semi-apologised but went on with excuses. She said that bringing the news like this via email is “obscene”. But nothing more. I have no money or I would sue the sh!t out of everyone involved.

Everything turned against me either by longtime friends even early on disappearing or being targeted at work in Pret A Manger, which I write extensively here on my blog after having declined Pret’s “hush money” and NDAs.

And to add further to everything making it more traumatic, they sent my brother’s urn to my mum’ss village via POSTAL MAIL!!!! Everything we learnt was COMPLETELY disrespectful and careless!! I did some research and learnt that indeed they send urns in germany via the postal mail! I wrote about it here:
In Germany They Send Urns Via Post

The last contact I had with my brother was 5 weeks before he died where he declined my invitation to a concert near his city where I flew over for in November 2014. He couldn’t make it and also said that the artist is not his cup of tea. I worked with the artist on a project and got free tickets and was always permitted to bring a +1. As I went to several of the artist concert in different German cities as she was on tour there, I always invited friends who live in or close to the city, and then also invited my brother to one of the gigs close to his town. I even went with my mum and a friend at one point in another tour of the artist.

I never replied to his email assuming I’ll see him anyway. But as usual he was busy, I was busy … And I had to admit to myself later that I was a little cross with him for not coming as I was working with the artist on a project, and I think I wanted him to be proud of me.

My brother had a cat that one day slipped out of the apartment and returned pregnant. He kept 2 of the kittens and gave 2 away. All 3 cats, grown up with its mother survived the approximately 6 days my brother lay dead in front of his apartment door.

The police told me that the cats ransacked the apartment, probably in distress or looking for food. Two of the cats they managed to catch, the third cat slipped through their legs and out the door. A neighbour told me that the cat doesn’t let anyone near it and they just feed it by putting food on the steps of the building in hopes it finds trust again and comes in. But I lost contact as I stopped contacting them. I assume the cat has passed now.

I came across a tweet once that was about cute cat videos that millions love to watch. For some reason in the comments someone mentioned that when the owner of a cat (or dog) dies, cats tend to start eating the corpse. And it put further trauma on me the thought of it.

I went on emailing-spree ever since, mostly drunk and very angry, of which I am just now slowly coming out of.

Many lost friends, lost job, lost opportunities later, I am left with a pile of losses and a decision if to go on or to quit. My parents have died now, I couldn’t bury my mum during 2. lock-down.

I sabotaged my life, relationships and everything else hoping it would help me end my life.

What is there now?

In memory of my big brother Thomas.

I worked at Pret A Manger and survived systemic workplace bullying during bereavement that involved HR, the top leadership, HQ and even the now “retired” former CEO Clive Schlee. I declined 4 settlement offers if I am silent about my ordeal. But I rather speak out to help others. For an overview of important blog entries of my experience with Pret, please visit “My Ordeal with Pret A Manger”. The little arrow to the right next to each heading will lead directly to the post.
An incomplete list on what other Pret staff say about Pret’s bullying environment: Caught in the Act Bullying at Pret.
I tell my story for the first time verbally in below audio player interview on a podcast by The Adam Paradox, and wrote two articles in the Scottish Left Review and was mentioned by the BBC.

Please also see the MEDIA page for more.

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Thank you for reading/listening.

Interview:

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PTSD and Adrenaline

October 26, 2023October 28, 2023 I Survived Pret A Manger (unsafe company)Leave a comment

I found an amazing and simple explanation of some parts of PTSD in connection with adrenaline on reddit.

Brief explanation for new readers.

On January 2015 I learnt that my brother died 5 weeks prior in December 2014 AND was already cremated (5 days before I learnt of his death). To add to that, I was told this via EMAIL!

My story is spread out over my blog and on my podcast. I want to keep it brief here and concentrate on PTSD.

To add even more to that, I was targeted in Pret A Manger where I worked 7 years at the time my brother died. I was a team leader doing my job very very well. I say this, because Pret management and HR tried everything to try to get rid of me. They lied, gaslit me, used other staff to write lies about me to build a case against me.

I was in a mix of shock, trauma, twilight zone and somewhat completely oblivious on how vile and calculated Pret were. I was bullied from management, not from my teams. Some team members who were willing to please our bosses just allowed to be instrumentalised against me by lying about me.

I found that out after I applied for my file under the UK 1998 Data Protection Act (before GDPR came into place). I read the emails, the lies, the allegations and was able to raise grievances based on those lies. But that’s another story.

What I noticed and felt VERY early on is that I was EXTREMELY hyper, I felt adrenaline, later a lot of anger came to it. In hindsight I cannot understand how I even survived as my heart sometimes felt like exploding out of my chest! Later I started to have panic attacks, started drinking etc.

But I felt early on this intense feeling of being electrified every day, on adrenaline, even without drinking coffee.

My “new normal” was little sleep as I was investigating what happened to my brother. I couldn’t eat despite work in a food place. I lost 35kg within a year. Once when I walked through the Pret kitchen to get some blue paper for the shop, a kitchen staff was talking about weight and how she lost weight etc.

I mentioned to her that I was really overweight (after having lived 6 years in the USA with the sugar content and portion sizes) and that I lost at least 35kg within a year after my brother died. Having grown up with metrics and not gallons, ounces etc. the colleague asked me, “How much is that in stone”. But even now I never got my head disciplined to convert kilogram into stones and pounds.

As she was preparing baguettes with a 10 Liter (same as 10 kg) bucket of Mayonnaise on the bench, I pointed to the bucket and said “Three-and-a-half times of this bucket”, and she almost dropped the scoop out of her hand. Only then did I realise how much weight I had and then dropped with a simple visual of a mayonnaise bucket. I just couldn’t eat and forced myself to eat at least a banana a day or half a baguette. I just couldn’t swallow. I also walked for hours upon hours through London, plus all the walking and standing in Pret. I was on my feet 12-14 + hours every day for many months turning into years. So, the weight dropped rapitly within a year and with this caused some health problems later.

10 Liter bucket, same as 10 KG. That’s why I can’t stop thinking in metrics, because it’s very simple.

I had to downsize my wardrobe 3-4 times over the year as everything became loose.

I woudn’t have been overweight, I’d look like a person with anorexia. I don’t want to show “before and after” photos of myself here, and just will mention a prominet German person and the impact grief and shock can have on the body.

The German TV presenter and Miss World winner, Petra Schürmann, who worked very close with her daughter Alexandra in TV, lost her daughter in an accident. She lost so much weight, and even couldn’t speak anymore and then died herself from the grief and shock a few years later. I remember the time when I visited Germany, seeing the news of her health condition.

With her daughter:

After the death of her daughter, I can’t find the picture anymore, but I saw her on TV in Germany where she was extremely thin and aged rapidly within a few short years.

I was lucky to have been overweight and “just” dropped down to “normal” weight like I always used to be before moving to the U.S. And the weight might have given me initial energy to keep going.

In Pret I was put on 5 months late shift so the manager doesn’t have to deal with a “sad” employee where Pret demand that we smile all day or get penalized via weekly mystery shoppers. Again, I write about this extensively all over my blog and on social media. I want to only concentrate on the PTSD and Adrenaline here.

But even with the early shifts, I would have to get up at 3:30am to start work at 5am with only 3 hours sleep as I couldn’t sleep. And later when I started to drink, going to work extremely hungover, I was still high functioning and in hindsight don’t know how I didn’t get a heart attack under the permanent mental, emotional and physical stress!

I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2020 after seeking therapy and an odyssey through the NHS mental health system. In my case the strongest symptom is hyper vigilance and constantly being on alert.

Working in Pret I don’t even know how I worked, I was on a constant “high”, being vigilant like I was in an emotional war-zone, especially from the targetting and bullying.

I had a high dose of adrenaline, but didn’t understand why, even though I could feel it. I did drink coffee in then morning, but the adrenaline was pumping me most of the day. This was one reason I started to drink necause I couldn’t sleep despite having been on my feet all day and walking through London day and night.

I started to drink to knock myself out. And it works in the beginning for a whole, but then, as we all know it turns into problems. That’s when my traumatic behaviour, emailing etc. started and went on a long time losing more people and things.

I was HIGH functioning, couldn’t calm down (except when drunk, knocking myself into bed).

And someone on reddit put into few words the issue with PTSD and Adrenaline and it all makes sense.

I quote directly from the subreddit Do people actually know what having PTSD is like? by u/juniorthib.

The part that made all sense I quote here in full verbatim:

“PTSD happens when you go through a traumatic event, and your brain decides that it never wants to be fucked up in that way ever again, so it will go to extreme measures to pump you full of adrenaline so you’re ready whenever the same traumatic event happens again. If it ever does. I used to go into fight or flight mode whenever someone did something like ripping a piece of paper out of their notebook. The tiniest sounds set me off, and it was all because my brain assumed that the sound was the source of my PTSD (it wasn’t) and decided to prepare appropriately for the situation.

So when you actually face the source of your stressor, the PTSD kicks in, not to render you useless and immobile, but to give you more adrenaline so you don’t have a repeat of whatever happened the first time.”

B-I-N-G-O-!!!

The part, “when you actually face the source of your stressor, the PTSD kicks in, not to render you useless and immobile, but to give you more adrenaline …”

I felt from the beginning but worded it as “I went into autopilot and functioned”, which I did. But I went into autopilot, so much so I couldn’t remember if I locked my door which of course I did as it was habit and I switched to autopilot. But I couldn’t come down from the intenseness as adrenaline was pumping constantly.

I can also relate to the sound issues. Pret especially is EXTREMELY loud everywhere and I was reprimanded for turning the music down, especially when customers also complained of the noise. But even slight noises in the library or supermarket set me off to want to run off or tell people to lower the “noise” that wasn’t even noise. Flying became extremely anxiety inducing and stressful now.

At one point on my many flights to Germany I sat with my hand holding the head part of the seat in front of me while on take-off and my knuckles were white as a sheet from grabbing the head piece. The two young women sitting in front of me at one point turned around and giggled looking at me. I felt that the blood of my face was gone as I sat in anxiety while the plane took off.

The girls probably thought it was my first flight or I am afraid of flying in general. They had no clue I flew countless times since I was a teenager and was just in a state of shock and trauma. Never assume by looking at people WHY they might be scared when they look terrified. I wasn’t scared of flying,I was scared of EVERY movement and anything that rendered me out of control.

And flying is NOT natural for us humans! We are not birds! I often thought when on a longhaul flight that we have NO BUSINESS in the air! What the fnck am I doing up here??!!! It’s not natural!

And now, having lost everything, I just sit in front of a pile of rubble and hope that those who did wrong while being strong when others were vulnerable, have their Karma poured out on them like I had adrenaline thrust me into extreme movement and a functioning zombie.

I worked at Pret A Manger and survived systemic workplace bullying during bereavement that involved HR, the top leadership, HQ and even the now “retired” former CEO Clive Schlee. I declined 4 settlement offers if I am silent about my ordeal. But I rather speak out to help others. For an overview of important blog entries of my experience with Pret, please visit “My Ordeal with Pret A Manger”. The little arrow to the right next to each heading will lead directly to the post.
An incomplete list on what other Pret staff say about Pret’s bullying environment: Caught in the Act Bullying at Pret.
I tell my story for the first time verbally in below audio player interview on a podcast by The Adam Paradox, and wrote two articles in the Scottish Left Review and was mentioned by the BBC.