My lashing out at people when drunk and the continued aim to not do that, apologizing, seeking professional help etc.
One person, I call XXXX, kept saying that there’s no need to apologize, it’s all healing etc.
And then, I lashed out within a group, and suddenly it wasn’t okay anymore because, the person felt their reputation was at stake but used another reason.
Double meaning, mixed messages, support only as long as they look good …
Only a few examples in private mails with the person. I sent these examples to the person and they supposedly do not read it. So, I speak out again publicly because people need to know how messed up I am, and how people play with it.
Me:
… And now, 2 years later I SCREAM online and Pret doesn’t do a thing!!!!!
And I lash out at people, in pain. …
Nov. 2019
XXXX:
It’s all good. Part of healing.
Nov. 2019
Me:
… I’m sorry … I always let people down because I’m not what they think I am. …
You people who have a lot to lose, fight for yourself. …
I am still waiting for therapy abd a professional to tell me why I write this BS and lash out at people who mean well. …
Nov. 2019
XXXX:
You lash out because you are angry and hurt and speaking out helps you heal and understand what is going on with you and also helps release some of the inner stress… it’s not a bad thing, it’s a cry for help & a sign of healing… which is slow & painful and you need to allow yourself grace & heal in your own time and not scold yourself for the time it takes…
Dec. 2019
Me:
… I know most of “you” (meaning people in general) are fed up with my rants and nothing happens. …
All I want is peace, but I’m struggling with the German police as well. I’m sorry …
Dec. 2019
XXXX:
You have NOTHING to be sorry for! … Hugs
Dec. 2019
(Struggling with the German police because I am still investigating why they did not find us and just cremated my brother without our knowledge and consent).
Me:
… I’m so sorry. I’m so terribly angry at the moment and letting it out on he wrong people while … I hate what I’ve become. …
I don’t want to apologize anymore. It’s pretentious I think. I am very angry at myself. The therapy waiting list has gone for 2 years now. …
Dec. 2019
XXXX:
You were always going to have forward then some backward days. You’ll never know what’s going to trigger you next. It’s quite the process to heal. But you are healing. You are better than you were. And you can’t argue with me on that! …
Dec. 2019
Me:
I am sorry for being such a disrespecting asshole.
I have no excuse.
Feb. 2020
You:
Nothing to be sorry about.
Feb. 2020
Me:
Please don’t say that. I appreciate your patience and kindness, but I am out of line!
etc. etc.
Here I was, lashing out at the person, apologizing, and being devastated at myself for having messed up again, and then always being told: “nothing to be sorry about” … “it’s ok” … “you are healing…” etc. etc. etc.
And once I lashed out in a group, this person suddenly called it “insults” and “venom”, because their reputation was at stake. I am really sorry I did that and disappointed them. Though, if people don’t take responsibility for their own words, and it’s always thrown back at the person who’s already in a mess, that’s very easy. People who have a lot to lose, will always put the blame 100% on the other person who’s the mess already. That’s human nature.
This is why “love bombings” and “sweet-talk” and what some call “toxic positivity” is pretentious and fake, and humiliating beyond words. It’s irresponsible and unprofessional as the person is a person of position, influence and authority. This person witnessed many times when I lashed out drunk (later deleting my Tweets in shock myself) as I copied them and others in, not ONE TIME did the person speak to me to work on this or stop this. Instead, always “nothing to be sorry about” … “you are healing” … etc.
It also reminds me of the gaslighting Pret A Manger put me through with Lila Warren, the Pret Development Manager who was tasked to sanction me. I share this in the audio player interview at the bottom of this page. Lila Warren told me in a FORMAL disciplinary meeting she held, that she also had a brother who died alone in his apartment and wasn’t found for days. Like my brother did. After extensive research with the name she gave me of her “brother”, her story is not all how she presented.
I am tired of people who play games in private, and then want to protect themselves in public. I am always suspicious when people are too positive and say nice things all of the time!
From a regular person without influence, I can understand, but not from this person. This person also never asked me any questions. Questions like, what kind of support or professional help I received to date or am still receiving, if any. What other support I may need. What the person itself could do to support etc etc. No questions. Just love-bombing and assuming I’ll be okay.
I am well worded, and this often keeps me from getting help as even mental health services think I’m okay. My medical file is long now and I want to put a stop to it.
I will keep lashing out, I cannot recover, I cannot and don’t want to have people close anymore.
To the person who wrote all these things for me to not be sorry etc.
I know you meant well. I still and always will know you meant well. I know it when I see it!
But you are a person of position, influence and authority, even power.
You knew my trauma from the get go. I am the vulnerable person.
You need to be responsible when you communicate.
You know people from all walks of life, especially professionals, Psychologists, Police, Doctors etc. You could have asked anyone how to deal with a person like me.
You could and should have told me in private that I should work on not lashing out instead of telling me continually that I have nothing to apologize for and that I am “healing”. I felt I even was healing, but then had a huge backlash that I didn’t see coming myself. It shocked me myself.
You are used to making decisions that affect people’s lives.
You are used to be “celebrated” and have people around you who agree on everything you do. That’s not healthy.
You will be told that you did nothing wrong by the people who gather around you.
I speak out because people need to know that you cannot trust people who say big words in private, to just drop you in a group.
Maybe you need to be needed and then spread yourself too thin.
I know you care and cared! But you should know better with your immense occupational and life experience. It makes me feel in hindsight that you just use vulnerable people to fill your own void or your need to be needed.
I am truly sorry for the pain I caused. I never portrayed myself as a person who has it altogether.
You care a lot, please seek help when dealing with traumatized people in private.
Your words have weight!
They have weight. Please have more care and professionalism when dealing with vulnerable people. You cross boundaries when you are neither aware nor know of your responsibility in your private communications, as vulnerable people look up to you and make the mistake to trust you quicker with the influence you have. But you are just a human being who makes mistakes. But you don’t own up to it. You were irresponsible.
I will not be used again or gaslit by people of influence.
I seek peace and to forgive.
Anyone who thinks I need professional help: Please see the bullsh!t I’ve been through in the UK Mental Health service for years:
Anger Management Classes for the Bereaved
.
.
I worked at Pret A Manger and survived systemic workplace bullying during bereavement that involved HR, the top leadership, HQ and even the now “retired” former CEO Clive Schlee. I declined 4 settlement offers if I am silent about my ordeal. But I rather starve and speak out to help others. For an overview of important blog entries of my experience with Pret, please visit “My Ordeal with Pret A Manger”. The little arrow to the right next to each heading will lead directly to the post.
An incomplete list on what other Pret staff say about Pret’s bullying environment: Caught in the Act Bullying at Pret.
I tell my story for the first time verbally in below audio player interview on a podcast by The Adam Paradox, and wrote two articles in the Scottish Left Review.
Thank you for reading/listening.
Interview:
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Bullied during bereavement in Pret A Manger 