My lashing out at people when drunk and the continued aim to not do that, apologizing, seeking professional help etc.
One person, I call XXXX, kept saying that there’s no need to apologize, it’s all healing etc.
And then, I lashed out within a group, and suddenly it wasn’t okay anymore because, the person felt their reputation was at stake but used another reason.
Double meaning, mixed messages, support only as long as they look good …
Only a few examples in private mails with the person. I sent these examples to the person and they supposedly do not read it. So, I speak out again publicly because people need to know how messed up I am, and how people play with it.
… And now, 2 years later I SCREAM online and Pret doesn’t do a thing!!!!!
And I lash out at people, in pain. …
It’s all good. Part of healing.
… I’m sorry … I always let people down because I’m not what they think I am. …
You people who have a lot to lose, fight for yourself. …
I am still waiting for therapy abd a professional to tell me why I write this BS and lash out at people who mean well. …
You lash out because you are angry and hurt and speaking out helps you heal and understand what is going on with you and also helps release some of the inner stress… it’s not a bad thing, it’s a cry for help & a sign of healing… which is slow & painful and you need to allow yourself grace & heal in your own time and not scold yourself for the time it takes…
… I know most of “you” (meaning people in general) are fed up with my rants and nothing happens. …
All I want is peace, but I’m struggling with the German police as well. I’m sorry …
You have NOTHING to be sorry for! … Hugs
(Struggling with the German police because I am still investigating why they did not find us and just cremated my brother without our knowledge and consent).
… I’m so sorry. I’m so terribly angry at the moment and letting it out on he wrong people while … I hate what I’ve become. …
I don’t want to apologize anymore. It’s pretentious I think. I am very angry at myself. The therapy waiting list has gone for 2 years now. …
You were always going to have forward then some backward days. You’ll never know what’s going to trigger you next. It’s quite the process to heal. But you are healing. You are better than you were. And you can’t argue with me on that! …
I am sorry for being such a disrespecting asshole.
I have no excuse.
Nothing to be sorry about.
Please don’t say that. I appreciate your patience and kindness, but I am out of line!
Here I was, lashing out at the person, apologizing, and being devastated at myself for having messed up again, and then always being told: “nothing to be sorry about” … “it’s ok” … “you are healing…” etc. etc. etc.
And once I lashed out in a group, this person suddenly called it “insults” and “venom”, because their reputation was at stake. I am really sorry I did that and disappointed them. Though, if people don’t take responsibility for their own words, and it’s always thrown back at the person who’s already in a mess, that’s very easy. People who have a lot to lose, will always put the blame 100% on the other person who’s the mess already. That’s human nature.
This is why “love bombings” and “sweet-talk” and what some call “toxic positivity” is pretentious and fake, and humiliating beyond words. It’s irresponsible and unprofessional as the person is a person of position, influence and authority. This person witnessed many times when I lashed out drunk (later deleting my Tweets in shock myself) as I copied them and others in, not ONE TIME did the person speak to me to work on this or stop this. Instead, always “nothing to be sorry about” … “you are healing” … etc.
It also reminds me of the gaslighting Pret A Manger put me through with Lila Warren, the Pret Development Manager who was tasked to sanction me. I share this in the audio player interview at the bottom of this page. Lila Warren told me in a FORMAL disciplinary meeting she held, that she also had a brother who died alone in his apartment and wasn’t found for days. Like my brother did. After extensive research with the name she gave me of her “brother”, her story is not all how she presented.
If my mum wasn’t alive I would have ended my life.
I am tired of people who play games in private, and then want to protect themselves in public. I am always suspicious when people are too positive and say nice things all of the time!
From a regular person without influence, I can understand, but not from this person. This person also never asked me any questions. Questions like, what kind of support or professional help I received to date or am still receiving, if any. What other support I may need. What the person itself could do to support etc etc. No questions. Just love-bombing and assuming I’ll be okay.
I am well worded, and this often keeps me from getting help as even mental health services think I’m okay. My medical file is long now and I want to put a stop to it.
I will keep lashing out, I cannot recover, I cannot and don’t want to have people close anymore.
To the person who wrote all these things for me to not be sorry etc.
If you read this:
I KNOW you meant well. I still and always will know you meant well. I know it when I see it!
But you are a person of position, influence and authority, even power.
You knew my trauma from the get go. I am the vulnerable person.
You need to be responsible when you communicate.
You know people from all walks of life, especially professionals, Psychologists, Police, Doctors etc. You could have asked anyone how to deal with a person like me.
You could and should have told me in private that I should work on not lashing out instead of telling me continually that I have nothing to apologize for and that I am “healing”. I felt I even was healing, but then had a huge backlash that I didn’t see coming myself. It shocked me myself.
You are used to making decisions that affect people’s lives.
You are used to be “celebrated” and have people around you who agree on everything you do. That’s not healthy.
You will be told that you did nothing wrong by the people who gather around you.
I speak out because people need to know that you cannot trust people who say big words in private, to just drop you in a group.
Maybe you need to be needed and then spread yourself too thin.
I know you care and cared! But you should know better with your immense occupational and life experience. It makes me feel in hindsight that you just use vulnerable people to fill your own void or your need to be needed.
I am truly sorry for the pain I caused. I never portrayed myself as a person who has it altogether.
You care a lot, please seek help when dealing with traumatized people in private.
Your words have weight! Please have more care and professionalism when dealing with vulnerable people. You cross boundaries when you are neither aware nor know of your responsibility in your private communications, as vulnerable people look up to you and make the mistake to trust you quicker with the influence you have. But you are just a human being who makes mistakes. But you don’t own up to it. You were irresponsible.
I will not be used again or gaslit by people of influence.
I seek peace and to forgive.
Anyone who thinks I need professional help:
My NHS Odyssey
People often tell me I need to get professional help or see a Psychiatrist. But no-one asks what odyssey I have been through in the UK NHS system for years now.
I explained this recently to people who did the usual “you need professional help” thing.
I have now been on a 2 year waiting list, and before on another year waiting list for therapy. I went to suicidal charities where people who want to end their lives can be heard without getting locked in. But I exhausted that service now.
I was sent away twice from hospital while suicidal. After the first 1 year waiting list for NHS therapy, because I cannot afford private therapy, I finally got a place in a therapy, which would be long-term. I felt I cracked the jackpot!!! After reaching out so much and waiting so long, going to charities, my doctor, mental health clubs that have no professionals, just volunteers to occupy time etc. in December 2017 after 2 assessments I was offered a long-term therapy place!
I was told that I will have 12 weekly sessions of group therapy!
After only getting funded for 6 sessions, which were not enough to even get started on my trauma, before you get into your trauma, the sessions are over. But now I felt I won the jackpot with TWELVE sessions!!!
But the psychologist didn’t stop there, and the jackpot grew even bigger!
I was then told that after the 12 weekly group introductory sessions to this type of therapy, there would be a few weeks break and then an 18 MONTHS group AND individual sessions would follow.
I would have 18 months of weekly group sessions AND 18 months of individual weekly sessions.
TWO sessions per week, one in a group and one individual with a Therapist!!! For 18 MONTHS!!!
I couldn’t believe my luck and FINALLY felt hope to get long-term help. This was in December 2017 when I was fired, and flying back and forth to my father until he died in March 2018. Maybe it kept me going while my dad was in hospital, then out his coma and intensive care, then into rehab, and me just gotten fired. I held on to the hope of this long-term therapy which was starting in the fall of 2018.
In the fall of 2018 the group sessions started. 12 weeks of introduction to this type of therapy. 2 Therapists where holding the group therapy, one a Psychiatrist, the other a Psychologist. We were about 8 people in the group.
And then in the 6th session, 6 weeks into the introductory sessions the Psychologist, who was under the guidance of the Psychiatrist, dropped a bomb! We were “casually” told that the 18 months main group and individual therapy sessions would be video recorded!
We were told that the recordings were to help the therapists read what we were NOT saying and they would go frame-by-frame of what we were and were not saying!
Me and another guy in shock and after asking questions, got up and left the therapy.
I raised a formal complaint with the NHS that I felt tricked and that I wasted a year waiting for the group sessions to start, without being fully informed in the assessment the year before and given the chance to not go forward with this therapy. If I would have been informed at the assessment the year before, I would not have chosen to do the therapy and could have looked for alternatives. But instead, I wasted almost a year in the assumption I now finally found long-term help for the trauma I’ve been through.
We were never told in our assessments the YEAR BEFORE that we will be videoed. And then when the 12 week group intro. sessions started, the Therapists waited 6 WEEKS before they told us. It looked like they wanted to get us acquainted and “hooked” to the therapy first, in order to make it hard on us to either leave or to feel no other choice then to submit to videoing. We were NOT told that we had a choice under data protection. We could have all declined to be videoed, and the Therapists would have HAD TO go forward with the therapy WITHOUT videoing, as we had a choice under data protection laws.
But we were not told this! It was presented to us as if we had no choice, that the option was either to submit to being videoed during very personal therapy sessions, or to not be part of the therapy.
All my points in the complaint were upheld and I was told by the complaints dept. that in future they will inform people at the assessment for people to make a choice, if they want to be part of the therapy or not.
I understand in hindsight that the Psychologist was in training and the Psychiatrist was sitting mostly quiet to observe and train the Psychologist. Our video sessions would be used for training purposes. I argued in my complaint to the NHS that I felt we were used as guinea pigs for training, and that we were purposefully NOT informed beforehand, so it would be harder for us to make decisions against videoing, as we waited so long for long-term therapy funded by the NHS …
I bumped into one of the group a few months ago and was told that they video the group sessions, after whoever remained agreed to it and that the individual therapy sessions are only videoed with the individual person’s permission. Only 3 of us left and the rest agreed to videoing and some new clients were added to the group.
And I am still on a waiting list now for new therapy.
The chief Psychologist who is over this therapy and the other therapists was visibly pissed off with me when he assessed me for a new therapy, that they try to find for me. I ruined his plans and am now paying for it with overly long waiting lists. He even called me “chronically suicidal” in an email. And yet, I get no help.
I had the police called to my apartment 2 times and an ambulance once in the last 6 months, because I was ready to go. Other times I went to the police station at night to be safe because there are no hospital beds available. They just let me sit in the police station after I explain that I need to be safe. And no, I was not drunk except twice. The other times I was perfectly sober!
Some people say to me they’re sorry I fell through the cracks of the mental health system. But I did not fall through the cracks! The system is such that the Government cut funds, the health system is overloaded and you either become a guinea pig, where in turn for free therapy you have to pay with your personal data in form of videoing therapy sessions. Or if you have the private funds yourself, you can find your own specialist and therapy. As I chose not to “sell” my data via videoing, I am paying for it now.
A recent news article said that the police in the UK are dealing with more mental health related calls than with crime. The Government in the last 10 years have cut over 20.000 police men/women and cut a lot in the NHS system! Anyone who has needed help from the UK mental health service, knows what I’m talking about.
And when people then say to me that I need professional help, but don’t ASK me WHAT I have done to get help in the last 5 years …
I worked at Pret A Manger and survived systemic workplace bullying during bereavement that involved HR, the top leadership, HQ and even the now “retired” former CEO Clive Schlee. I declined 4 settlement offers if I am silent about my ordeal. But I rather starve and speak out to help others. For an overview of important blog entries of my experience with Pret, please visit “My Ordeal with Pret A Manger”. The little arrow to the right next to each heading will lead directly to the post.
An incomplete list on what other Pret staff say about Pret’s bullying environment: Caught in the Act Bullying at Pret.
I tell my story for the first time verbally in below audio player interview on a podcast by The Adam Paradox, and wrote two articles in the Scottish Left Review.
Thank you for reading/listening.
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