I am a bereaved sibling who has been lost for 10 years looking for support.
I was sent the news of my brother’s death via an ice-cold email that read like a “to-do” list without ANY support during and after it. I went on an emailing spree ever since in the middle of investigating what the fnck happened!
Then I was bullied during traumatic bereavement in and by Pret A Manger, which reached to the top executive level (please see links at the very bottom). I and an OPs (area) manager even asked Pret if I could be supported by someone at the Pret Foundation Trust that supposedly help former homeless people and ex-prisoners into work (for PR and tax- breaks). Pret never responded. Pret hand-pick a few former homeless people and ex-prisoners, showcase them in protected social media posts to the public, but you never hear from any of them externally, individually.
Weeks after I received the news of my brother’s death and cremation, I asked for help immediately via my GP and got “therapy” within two months. Thank you NHS. But it was a trainee therapist while I needed trauma therapy. I went from trainee to trainee to charity to online bereavement groups to face-to-face meeting groups via Meetup.com to anger-management “therapy” to continuing to work at Pret to flying back and forth to care for my parents to continue to seek help to walking the streets of London for years to seeking help again ………….. while everyone constantly wanted something from me or dropping me like a hot potato, as we say in Germany!
I witnessed traumatic issues in hospital and rehab after my dad had a stroke and came out of a 3-week coma.
If you can at all PLEASE do NOT put any elderly or disabled person into nursing/care home!
They say “it takes a village to raise a child”, it also takes a village to care for the elderly and vulnerable! Do NOT place any elderly and/or vulnerable person into any institution, no matter how “charitable” they sound. Most institutions, even more and more prisons are run privately under private equity for the sole purpose of profit. I had no choice and had no means to care for my parents each individually! And I apologize to them every single day!
Pret fired me because I wouldn’t take their “hush-money”. I couldn’t bury my mum during the 2. lockdown in Germany while both the UK and Germany amongst other countries were locked down and the then UK Prime Sinister threw parties in Downing Street, breaking the laws he decreed upon us.
All of this, the loss of my brother especially, then how Pret treated me, losing friends early etc. has me in a fight-or-flight mode still. I was diagnosed with PTSD and still there is no adequate trauma therapy.
Recently I went on a four hour walk for bereaved parents and siblings with a large group of about 40 parents that a bereavement charity put on. I was the only sibling. I had many lovely and heartbreaking conversations with parents. I listened to everyone and everyone listened to me. After the walk where there was no “closing” as in how to get care if we struggle, I went home and fell into a black hole again.
After the walk, before I went home, some of us met in a nearby pub where we finished the walk. The facilitator who does this walk since 7 years couldn’t be bothered though to give me information on any sibling support. It took me two times enquiring if there is “anything else” that this charity is doing.
The first time I specifically “lamented” that for 10 years I can’t find any sibling support. The facilitator/bereaved father did not mention anything for siblings. Only after I made a general enquiry if there is “anything” else the charity is doing as a general event, did he mention ONE event for siblings. The CEO of the charity (why is there always a CEO who needs to get paid a high wage in a “charity”?) later responded and gave me a substantial list for siblings and found the excuse that the facilitator was doing the walk for hours and might have been tired.
Excuse me, but if you do a walk since 7 years you should know the information for siblings and maybe “break-up” the group to smaller groups of no more than 8-10 people. It seemed more like “I do a large group since years and we’re growing”. I’m sorry, but I’m not interested in ego and how large a group is, and for how long they’re doing this! Less is more and I still couldn’t find support as a sibling until the CEO sent a list when I mentioned my “grief” with the walk!
I went to on-and-offline bereavement groups which in the first years was with widows. Now, it’s with bereaved parents.
I talked with everyone and listened to their heartbreaking stories of the loss of their child or children, I dared not ask how the siblings are coping!
LOOK AFTER YOUR OTHER CHILDREN!
They are the ones who have to bury you after they themselves are running on empty without any support from you or anyone else! If they live far away, there’s a reason for that dear parent(s)! Should you have lost contact, there’s a reason!
I am tired of hearing people say, “I’m glad my mum/dad is gone!” I’m tired of hearing this!
Every mother and/or father who has children, has at least 1 child. Most parents have 2-3 children. Every set of parents who has 2 or more children and loses a child has 2 or 3+ other children.
There are 2 parents, at times 2 or more step parents, but for the sake of blood relatives, I take 2 parents and 2 or more surviving children.
I don’t have research or facts, but if my maths work out right, there are MORE siblings grieving than parents.
YOU CHOSE to have children! Your surviving children didn’t ask you to conceive them! And they also didn’t ask to suffer the loss of a sibling or siblings! And they didn’t ask to have to carry their parent(s) for years and years!
Siblings, especially when they lose a brother and/or sister in adulthood KNOW each other in ways and depths that you never will! I never told my parents, even after my brother died, how he set small packets of firecrackers inside a bridge that he, I and friends climbed into to run across from one side to the other side inside the bridge. My brother set these crackers for the echoing sound effects inside the bridge. It was an Autobahn bridge with high speed traffic above, while we teenagers ran across inside the bridge. We could have gotten in trouble for the safety issues. I never told my parents the sh!t we did for fun or the trouble any of us got into. Our sibling bond is different to yours. And WE suffer in ways you will never understand!
Your selfish grief, BECAUSE a parent is not supposed to out-live a child, is a fncking burden on your long suffering surviving child(ren). Your surviving child(ren) is too scared and selfless to tell you this! So, I do! And you wallow in your entitled grief while your other child(ren) suffers to the point they want to die as well.
I still wake up sometimes after 10 years in grieve and wish someone would bring me some food. My fridge empty again because I have no strength to go shopping, let alone cook. Lost my friends early on and everyone calling me “strong”. Well, I’m not! I’m fed up!
We siblings will NEVER know how it is to give birth to and then lose that child, unless we suffer this unspeakable loss ourselves. But equally, you parents will never know the depths of us siblings’ grief and how deeply we knew our sibling(s). You will never know the depths of our knowledge of our sibling(s). And don’t you dare sneak up on us to find out while not caring for us surviving children.
Maybe for ONCE, only ONCE, you dear parent(s) can take the phone and call your other child(ren) and WITHOUT ANY selfish notion ASK them how they are, if they need anything, without any hidden agenda.
Maybe once a year? Do you even remember what your surviving child’s birthday is? Do you remember their name?
I can guarantee that they WILL say they’re fine, because they worry about you, because you pasted all your grief for years and years across your family and claimed the sole right to grieve.
I received a request via another group I visited from a psychology student who was looking for participants of bereaved siblings. I couldn’t participate because I didn’t fit in one criteria that I needed to be in therapy while being interviewed.
The study is called “The Forgotten Ones”.
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I was told by a grieving mum during the 4-hour walk, after I introduced myself with having lost my brother and parents in a short succession of years, that losing parents is expected but not losing a child. Well, fnck you grieving mum, I couldn’t bury my mum, and every human being, no matter how old they are deserve every second of life! And a sibling is not supposed to carry the urn of a brother to his premature grave either!
I didn’t know for 5 weeks that my brother died and 5 days before I learnt via a horrific email that they cremated him! He was lying dead in his apartment for appoximately 6 days, could have been 5 or 7 days. The coroner estimated about 6 days. The neighbours smelled a horrible odor and called the landlord and police to break open the door.
They had to push my brother’s corpse away from the door to get in. He had 3 cats that survived while he was dead on the floor. He had one cat that got pregnant when slipping outside, he gave some kittens away but kept two who grew up with their mum cat. My brother was very tidy and clean, but the police said the cats ransacked the apartment. I’m sure animals undestand death. Two cats were captured, the third cat escaped out the door. The neighbours said they try to lure it back in by placing food outside the doorstep, but even while taking the food, it never comes in anymore.
On the day I received this horror email a “friend” said to me that I need to bestrong for my mum. That was before I flew over to Germany the next morning to bring my mum the news in person. I don’t want to hear anymore how strong I am! And I don’t want to be a “forgotten one” anymore with so many other lost siblings.
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Call your other child(ren) and WITHOUT any selfish motive get them whatever support they need or want. And be PATIENT when they say they’re alright! They may not be!
I’m sorry for my harsh words, but I’ve had enough.
In memory of my big brother.
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An Urn is an even Smaller Domain
An Urn is an even smaller Domain
Not able to contain
A Heart once beating
A Life so beaten down to diminished Pain
A Rock is a restricted Lot
Yet better than a Stone
A Poor Man’s Plot
Forgotten not, and yet it stands alone
To Him who at His cumbrous Door
Bestowed His final Breath
Circumstances know we not
Nor Estimated Death.
— ©expret.org
Inspired by Emily Dickinson’s poem:
A Coffin — is a small Domain,
Yet able to contain
A Citizen of Paradise
In it diminished Plane.
A Grave — is a restricted Breadth —
Yet ampler than the Sun —
And all the Seas He populates
And Lands He looks upon
To Him who on its small Repose
Bestows a single Friend —
Circumference without Relief —
Or Estimate — or End —
— Emily Dickinson
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I worked at Pret A Manger and survived systemic workplace bullying during bereavement that involved HR, the top leadership, HQ and even the now “retired” former CEO Clive Schlee. Schlee has been appointed CEO of itsu in 2024 by Julian Metcalfe who gave him the CEO spot at Pret many years ago.
I declined 4 settlement offers if I am silent about my ordeal. But I rather speak out to help others. For an overview of important blog entries of my experience with Pret, please visit “My Ordeal with Pret A Manger”. The little arrow to the right next to each heading will lead directly to the post.
An incomplete list on what other Pret staff say about Pret’s bullying environment: Caught in the Act Bullying at Pret and What shop MANAGERS & HQ staff say about Pret incl. CEO Pano Christou.
I tell my story for the first time verbally in below audio player interview on a podcast by The Adam Paradox, and wrote two articles in the Scottish Left Review as well as mentioned by the BBC.
Please also see the MEDIA page for more on my work with the press.
NEW LinkTree
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Thank you for reading/listening.
©2017 – Present: expret.org
Interview:
(Please be aware that the player shows 0:00 but just press play)
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Bullied during bereavement in Pret A Manger 
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